Mothers: Non-Custodial by Choice
More and more often we see children of divorced parents living with their fathers. The assumption many people make is that the mother must be a bad parent to have lost custody, but this isn't always the case. Some mothers voluntarily give up custody of their children. Not because they are unwilling or unable to care for them, but because that's what they believe is best.
In today's two income society, parenting is split between the mother and the father. While mothers are often considered the primary care givers, fathers are taking a much larger part in raising their children. They change diapers, cook, clean, and help with homework. As such, children do just as well with fathers as they do with mothers.
There are many things to consider when deciding custody of the children, and they should be considered on a case by case basis rather than the gender of the parent. Parents should look at it from the children's point of view and minimize any trauma resulting from divorce. Sometimes this means giving custody to the mother and sometimes it means giving custody to the father. Either way, it's best if mothers and fathers agree and take part in their children's lives so the children won't feel torn between their parents.
Ideally, children would be raised equally by both parents, but in a split family, this is not always possible. In these cases, it's important to minimize the disruption to the children's lives. For some mothers, this means giving up custody of their children.
When deciding custody, one thing parents consider is place of residence. Whenever possible, children should remain in the same school district and even in the same house. Adjusting to a divorce is difficult, but can be made easier by familiarity. This includes keeping existing friends and teachers. When the surroundings are comfortable and familiar, children can sometimes maintain a sense of control over their lives. If the father remains in the same home or in the same school district and the mother doesn't, sometimes the best choice is to let the children stay with their dad.
Finances are another thing parents consider when deciding who the children should live with. Even though both parents work in most families, men still have higher average salaries than women. Not having enough money adds to the trauma of divorce. Children often begin to worry about whether there will be enough to eat or whether the bills can be paid. Even if parents do their best to shield their kids from these problems, the children easily pick up on the stress. When parents are unsure of their financial stability following a divorce, some of them agree that their children should live with the most financially stable of the two, which often means the father.
A third and possibly the most important thing parents consider is the relationship to the children. In a split family, these relationships will suffer, regardless of where the children live or how much money they have. When considering custody of their children, many mothers take into consideration how active the father has been in the family. If the father has taken an active role in the children's lives, if he is financially stable, and if his place of residence is the most comforting to the children, many mothers and fathers both agree that the children would thrive if they remained in the custody of their father.
Mothers will do what they have to in order to make sure their children are well-taken care of and experience as little disruption as possible. Sometimes voluntarily giving custody to the father is the best way to achieve that. This does not mean the mother won't take an active part in raising her kids. When parents can set aside their own feelings for the benefit of the children, they are better able to communicate with one another and share in their children's lives.
The next time you see a non-custodial mother, remember that she may have given up custody because that's what was best for her children.
Published by Roselyn James
Roselyn James has been actively pursuing a writing career for five years. Her fiction, essays, and articles have appeared in various journals and online publications. She can be reached at roselynrjames@gmai... View profile
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- More and more often we see children of divorced parents living with their fathers.
- It's important to minimize the disruption to the children's lives.
- Many mothers and fathers both agree that the children would thrive if they remained in the custody of their father.
13 Comments
Post a CommentA judge would like to work on introducing my son to his father who is a drug addict, has been in and out of jail, and has cut me up in front of my son. The judge states that any biological father is better than no father. I cannot bear to be forced to talk to or see this man who calls himself father. I am considering giving up all rights to my child and never seeing my child again - forever! Anything to stay away from the trauma my abuser has inflicted upon me. The judge will have to see what kind of monster he created when the child turns out to be messed up in the future because I cannot afford to keep fighting the legal system to protect him anymore.
I am a single mother of two very perfect children. I have a career - so money isn't the issue. Somedays however, I contemplate giving custody up... it's not them. They are both so gorgeous, intelligent children whom I am very proud of. it's me that is the problem. I am not violent nor do I regret them in anyway .. I just sometimes consider switching custody matters and visiting them on weekends.
My problem is .. i don't know WHY I feel this way. I have been to my doctor and he has prescribed me an antidepressant which I take but .. I am still at loss with my mind.
My children are me entire universe so I don't know why I think about giving up custody. I mean, I miss them if they go for a sleepover.
I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way?
Lisa, you have absolutely NO CLUE what a birthmother or a noncustodial mother goes through. I placed my child for adoption for VERY valid, but also very personal reasons. Who are you to judge someone else? What about those "mothers" who keep custody of the children and then go on to abuse or even murder them? Wouldn't they had been better of if they had placed the child for adoption or given custody to the father or another relative?
In my situation, I have seriously considered relinquishing primary custody to my husband. We are both miserable in our marriage yet he refuses to consider divorce and has threatened a long, drawn out, expensive custody proceeding if I move ahead. He states he will absolutely not settle for less than 50% custody and I know my children need stability. I cannot imagine shuttling them between us. He has a great job in a very remote area with few employment options for me. Thus, what option am I left with? I love them both more than anything and can't damage them with a hostile custody arrangement and hateful divorce with removing them from their home, school and friendships. Please no assumptions - next time consider that leaving her kids was a mom's only or best option.
I'm not sure how "voluntary" giving up children is when women still earn less than men, and alimony has all but disappeared. And forget about child support. At least half the time, you don't get it or it's unreliable. So in a sense, the current system is, in a de facto sense, favoring fathers--the parent with more money. That's what happened (through the back door) when the courts made mothers and fathers "equal." Anything that would have in fact leveled the playfield has disappeared. Now we have the legal fantasy of "equality" but without the material resources to make it actually have any bite.
This describes what happened in my family. My stepson came to live with us when he was a teenager. His mother was agreeable to the idea, as she felt he had the right to choose where he lived. But I know she found it really hard to say goodbye. She only got to see him twice in three years, as we moved back home to England and she was living in America. But with her younger son, she lost custody to her second ex-husband.
Sophie
The problem is that in spite of humanity's progress in the equalization of the sexes, this is still a male-oriented world, with a large percentage thinking that men can do no wrong. It's something we have to work on as a race.
Thank you for the comments and the thoughtful conversation, everyone!
Lisa, I'm sorry you you think giving up a child would be so easy for a mother to do and that raising children is such a bad experience that revenge is the only motivation for a mother to let a father have custody of their children.
Shanika, I agree that ideally couples would do everything they could to keep the family together. This doesn't always happen, though, for a variety of reasons. There is a danger for children already in this situation to be treated like property rather than human beings. I have known and admired parents who thought rather than fought through the custody issues and did what they believed was best for their child. Unfortunately, based on gender, mothers come under a lot more scrutiny for this than fathers do. I've often wondered why men aren't questioned the way women are when they voluntarily give up custody of their children.