Motivating Your Child to Reach Their Full Potential

Every parent wants the best for their children. Since the day you find out you are expecting, you start dreaming about who this little person will one day be. You are immediately convinced that this little boy or girl has a bright future ahead of them. It's only natural. But then they come along and the terrible twos rears it's ugly head. They are loud, selfish, and annoying until they get their way. You know they could have a bright future, but you don't know how to help them discover it. Heck, you don't even know how to get them to put their clothes back on and quit throwing their food across the room. It's okay. Don't despair. There is hope.

The Trap

Most parents during this time find themselves at wit's end and rely on what psychologists refer to as extrinsic motivators. For example, parents may use the promise of a treat later in return for good behavior now. If you have used this technique with your children, you may have noticed a very undesirable side effect. He or she will only behave well when they are reassured that they will be reinforced for it later. If this cycle is repeated several times, a good child can quickly become a baby-sitter's nightmare. Even though extrinsic motivators are quick, they are hardly effective.

The Answer

If external motivation fails to work, perhaps you should try internal motivation. This technique works in a much different way and it may feel awkward or uncomfortable in the beginning. And if your child is used to being motivated externally, he or she will not adjust immediately. However, if you persist through the tantrums, you will discover that your child happier and more self-confident. He or she will become more excited about school work and possibly even more eager to help out around the house. Sound like a dream? It could be your reality. And here's how:

Step 1: Get Your Child on Your Side

If your child is old enough to understand, sit him or her down and apologize. Yes, apologize. Explain to them that you have realized that by offering them external rewards (like television, video games, candy, etc.) for their good behavior has robbed them of their ability to take pride in their accomplishments. Explain that since you have realized this, you will no longer offer them rewards for their behavior. Instead, you are going to encourage them in their growth to becoming the good person you know they are. This will appeal to their desire to be valued and recognized. Following this discussion, you might have some difficulties, but they will subsist in time if you follow through with the next crucial steps. And the bonus: this gives the child a model to follow when they need to apologize. By apologizing to them for the things you realize are wrong gives them permission to admit when they are wrong.

Step 2: Stick To Your Guns

Do not under any circumstances give in. If your child insists on throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store, let them. Give them a few minutes to run out of breath while you're nonchalantly checking out the chili beans. Then get down to their level and help them become aware of their surroundings. Keep your facial expression stern but not mean. Explain to them that they can cry all they want but you are not giving in. Remind them of your previous talk and use the opportunity to encourage them. Say something like, "I know that it this is a hard transition for you. But I want you to act like I know you can all the time and not just when I give you ______. Are you ready to act like the good boy/girl I know you are?" Leaving the statement open will allow the child room to think and an opportunity to choose the appropriate response.

Step 3: Providing Choices

The key in coaching your child in appropriate behavior tactics is giving them options. This technique works almost 100% of the time with most children because as humans we have an innate desire to be accepted by others. Children have fairly rudimentary problem solving abilities. By taking the time to verbally step them through the problem, they will choose the better choice most of the time. For example, if little Johnny wants is reaching for a cookie after he has reached his limit, stop him with a stern voice and then explain that he has two choices: he can choose to eat the cookie and "suffer the consequences" or he can put it down like you told him and play a game. The horrible sound of "suffer the consequences" and reminding him that he has received a command not to do the specific behavior will prompt him to think again. The second option is important to emphasize. It should be a behavior or activity that is acceptable and desired by you that he also finds enjoyable. It could also be the absence of consequences, but use alternative behaviors whenever possible.

Step 4: Watch Your Words

Be careful in distinguishing the child from his or her actions. Show them that you believe that they are a good girl or a good boy in all circumstances. When they sense that they have someone in their corner, they will feel like they can do anything. What you target with these methods are the behaviors. If a child perceives you to equate their worth with their behaviors will assume that you only love them when they are doing good. This can be detrimental to their wellbeing in the long run. But if you watch out for this pitfall, your child could gain confidence and become a very productive member of society.

Step 5: Opportunities to Practice

Give your child opportunities to practice good behaviors. Ask them to put their dishes in the sink or pick up their room. Refrain from thanking them every time they do something good since verbal reinforcement can still be external motivation. Also, thanking them too often will send them the message that doing chores around the house is outside of what is expected of them. Instead, wait and talk to them at night before they go to bed or whenever you have some extra time together and let them know that you are proud the choices they have been making and ask them how they feel about themselves. This will give you some insight into how well the transition is working for them.

Just Remember

The most important step when making this transition from using extrinsic motivators to intrinsic motivators is to make a plan and stick to it. Children need you to provide stability. When you provide it, they respond. Their tantrums decrease because they know what is expected and how to get what they want within reasons. Their self confidence rises and can exhibit itself as a rise in grades, a rise in interest in learning, a rise in responsibility around the house, more advanced communication skills, and the list goes on. Now that you are armed with information, good luck! Leave me a note if you try this to let me know how it goes. And if you stumble onto other great ideas, feel free to share. After all, parents can use help from everywhere they can get it!