Movie Review: G-Force (2009)

If you're over the age of ten, you're officially too old for "G-Force." This is an innocent, non-threatening action and special effects extravaganza. It's not meant to inspire, educate, enlighten, or encourage; it's mindless escapism for the little ones, and nothing more. Knowing this, I find myself in a strange situation, torn between recognizing the entertainment value and the reality that it's the cinematic equivalent of empty calories. From my world-weary adult's perspective, I watched this movie caring not a bit for the characters or the story, and I kept wondering why no one considered the idea that even kids can enjoy something more stimulating. I can't think of any part of the brain this movie stimulates, except, maybe, for the visual areas easily distracted by eye candy. The tagline says it all: "Gadgets, gizmos, guinea pigs. In 3-D."

Simple, honest, and direct. To be sure, there are a lot of cool visuals, and the fact that certain theaters are showing the film in 3-D is sure to be alluring for some kids. The technical work that went into this movie is extraordinary. It was, after all, directed by Hoyt Yeatman, who started in the film industry in the visual effects departments. It was also produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, whose supervision of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" trilogy, the "National Treasure" films, "Armageddon," and "The Rock" proves that he has an affinity for action and special effects. What is he trying to say with "G-Force"? That within all of us is a child who likes gadgets, gizmos, and guinea pigs all in the same story?

The premise is light-hearted, if completely uninspired. A technical expert named Ben (Zach Galifianakis) has trained three guinea pigs, a mole, and a fly to be secret agents. The guinea pigs are Darwin (voiced by Sam Rockwell), Juarez (voiced by Penélope Cruz), and Blaster (voiced by Tracy Morgan). The mole is Speckles (voiced by an unrecognizable Nicholas Cage). The fly is Mooch, who serves mostly as surveillance. They're all equipped with tiny electronic devices you're not supposed to question the plausibility of, such as night-vision goggles, PDAs, handheld blowtorches, parachutes, laptops, and earpieces for communication. Hoping to impress the FBI and become their own special task force, they're assigned to infiltrate the home of a powerful billionaire named Leonard Saber (Bill Nighy), who plots to take over the world with his line of household appliances.

Joining the adventure at one point or another are a flatulent guinea pig named Hurley (voiced by Jon Favreau) and a temperamental hamster named Bucky (voiced by Steve Buscemi). Hurley clings to Darwin like someone in desperate need of a friend and is always hungry. There's a reason for this, but I don't think it matters one way or the other.

At a certain point, Blaster decides to call his team G-Force, although he never says what the G stands for. Is it safe to assume that it means Guinea Pig? No, that would be GP-Force. Anyway, as they attempt to stop Saber, they're pursued by an FBI team led by Agent Kip Killian (Will Arnet), who feels that talking guinea pigs will compromise their own mission to stop Saber. This eventually leads to a frenetic chase sequence involving squad cars and highly mechanized plastic hamster balls; they zoom around the streets of Los Angeles until they go right through an active fireworks display. In the annals of movie car chase sequences, I tend to doubt that any audience member, child or adult, sat in the theater and thought, "This would be so much better with fireworks!"

I won't say any more about the general plot, except that the final act could have gone by the title "Transformers, Jr." Needless to say, that's when the special effects really let loose. It's all in good fun, I guess, although I have a feeling that some will leave the theater with ringing ears and a headache. What's the point of assaulting the senses when an interesting story isn't even being told? How entertaining can it be if we can't even care about what's happening? There I go again, thinking like an adult.

I beg you, please no comments that this is just a kid's movie, that I should lighten up, that not every movie is meant to be deep and meaningful. I've already admitted that it wasn't made for grownups. I'm sure the little ones will find it very entertaining in spite of the fact that it did absolutely nothing for me. It's an action adventure that keeps it clean, not just with the lack of violence and language but also with the belief in goodness and redemption. The closest this movie gets to a suggestive moment is a shot of Juarez shaking herself dry after emerging from a pool. Oh, you sexy guinea pig! No wonder the film couldn't get away with a G rating. I will not say that I disliked "G-Force" because dislike implies that I actually felt something. I watched it in an apathetic daze. Intellectually, I understood that it was made purely for entertainment. Emotionally, I continue to hope that some children prefer more fulfilling ways to spend a day at the movies.

- Chris Pandolfi (www.GoneWithTheTwins.com)