Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

While my significant other has been off drifting in the Pacific Ocean (he's in the Navy), I've been spending a lot of time watching, and thinking about, movies. Whether renting movies and going to the movie theater whenever I have free time makes me an expert or a loser, is for you to decide.

That being said, I've been watching a lot of movies this week, but the big news for the day is that I went to see the new Indiana Jones. Though, like many of us, I have been waiting for this movie for awhile, I went in with an open mind trying not to expect too much so I wouldn't get disappointed. The only thing I can say is... someone needs to take the CGI technology away from George Lucas and Steven Spielberg... somewhere far, far, far away, immediately, before they do anymore damage. I'm considering writing a letter to one or both of them telling them to knock it off. It's just lazy, and sloppy, and what should only be used as icing for the cake is trying to be one of the main ingredients. They're taking past movie legacies that are absolute gems and turning them into steaming piles of CGI crap! My biggest problem with this movie was with the animals. Apart from one snake, every animal in this movie looked like a cartoon, and they were all doing crazy things that animals, in my opinion, would never do. I don't want to see Gophers have silly comical reactions to what's going on in the movie. I want to see them acting like gophers, or not have them at all! What is this, Caddy-shack? I would rather they have no special effects whatsoever with cheesy Chuck Norris style fight scenes, as long as I can tell they put some effort into the plot.

That being said, the movie wasn't that bad, but there were at least five scenes where I was like, WTF???!! Actually, it was more than five. One of the scenes involved some CGI monkeys and some jungle vines... Another involved giant ants... Laziness! What happened to the piles of real snakes and millions of real disgusting insects crawling on the actors? Someone needs to smack these guys in the head, to remind them how to make a movie. Movie watchers are interested in plot, and in things making a little bit of sense to us, not purely special effects. You have to put effort into it sometimes, and not purely rely on stuff you did 20 years ago or stupid CGI technology that somehow just makes all your movies worse!

This is what I want, Steven Spielberg: I want movie animals to look and act like... wait for it... real animals! Not cartoons! And I want a plot that doesn't feel like you said, "Let's just center the story on something completely made up so we don't have to actually research anything." And before you all say, "the crystal skulls are based on actual crystal skulls," and "el Dorado is a real legend," whatever, I'm sure it is, but it felt like half-assed research. And, what can I say, I miss the biblical references. But even though the plot was a little ridiculous, that was the least of this movie's problems. I'm willing to believe in the fantastic as long as you give me some ground for reality. Meaning: I'm willing to believe that there's magical things going on in every Indiana Jones movie as long as you give me some G**damn real animals! Okay, I'm getting off my soap box. I may still write a letter, but right now I have to go drink beer, watch The Temple of Doom, and forget that this movie was ever made.

Oh, and if you're reading this, Harrison Ford, this was nothing personal against you. I still love you...