Movie Review: Teeth

Starring Jess Weixler. John Hensley, Hale Appleman, and Ashley Springer. Directed by Michael Lichtenstein.

Where, oh where, do I start? Well, I never thought I would see this movie. And, whenever I ask myself, "Whatever happened to those low-budget movies so bad that they're baaaddd?" I'll know.

The story begins with Dawn (Weixler), a teenage girl who spends her free time preaching abstinence and The Promise (a take on Promise Keepers), which appears as a cult anti-sex group where members keep a red ring around their "ring finger" and quote Scripture when it comes to dealing or understanding sex. We find that her brother Brad (Hensley) is the "bad boy" stereotype (smoking, tattoos, drugs, piercings) with pictures of naked women tacked to blackened walls, a bulldog, and girlfriend whose constantly disappointed that they're only sex is anal. Meanwhile, they're mom is sick/ has cancer (probably due to the TWO nuclear reactors behind the suburbs).

Dawn falls in love with Toby (Appleman). Sexual repression soon leads them to the woods where they make out under a waterfall but Dawn keeps mentioning "Purity" (The Promise people's call to abstinence) and eventually they're sitting next to each other. Toby's repression leads to him raping Dawn when something grabs a hold of of his penis and rips it off. Toby begins bleeding profusely before jumping into the water and disappearing.

Rushing away, Dawn makes it back to her place. She's safe for the moment. What begins next is her discovery that she has "vagina dentata": "shark teeth" in her vagina that ancient cultures have made myths about. Apparently, she can only be saved by a conquering hero. What follows are the dismemberings of fingers and more penises, as well as revenge.

What else can I say about this movie? On a technical stance, the lighting and audio were top notch for a lo/no-budget production. Everything else was complete garbage. Most of the scenes felt like the director threw the actors in front of the camera and told them to recite the lines. The script had to get money on the concept because no self-respecting person would have greenlit it if they had read the script.

Here's hoping that Louisvillian native Weixler gets better parts.

My grade: F