Movie Situations that Make No Sense

Do you love the movies? I do and if you're reading this article you probably do as well. However, if you have any common sense you've probably seen things in the movies that have made you snicker to yourself, "Oh yeah. Right," meaning oops there's another thing that just doesn't happen in real life. How can they spend millions of dollars to make a movie (I can't fathom how you can spend one million dollars!) and miss so many obvious things that just don't happen in the real world like they portray it on the screen.

Follow my storyline (kind of like one of four you can see on any given night on television) and see what I mean.

It is 2:00 a.m. and detectives Dim and Witt are responding to a homicide call at an expensive condo complex.

Oops. Cop around the Clock. Watch the screen and notice the next time that no matter what time of the day or night, the same cops are on duty. Usually they give someone their card during the day and believe it or not they are at their desk when the person calls back in the middle of the night! You go blue!

The detectives park in front of the condo and rush inside where flunky policemen have taken the initial information.

Oops. Parking always available. Wow! Ever try to find a parking spot? You're lucky if it is on the same street as the building you want. However in the movies there is always a space right in front of address the detectives seek. I know, I know. Driving around, searching for a place to park isn't high drama, but couldn't they at least park down the street once?

"How did he get in?" Detective Dim asks looking at the victim on the bed. "No sign of forced entry," the flatfoot answers.

Oops. No locks or security systems, please. No one ever needs keys to enter a house or apartment. The door is always open. And on the rare chance they did use a key to get in? Nobody locks the door behind themselves. Security systems? These only work if the story centers around one. Alarms never just go off as they are intended.

"She's beautiful," Detective Winn, says as he looks at the girl laid out in perfect pose with her panties on and a sheet covering her breasts.

Oops. Only beautiful people are murdered. I don't even need to explain this one.

"She just had sex," the cops' favorite M.E. says. "We took a sample of the fluid and will run his DNA immediately."

Oops. DNA results to go? First of all, the M.E. will work around the clock as well as the policemen. Look for him/her to appear at all hours of the day in the story. More importantly notice how the big and small screen is able to run DNA while you wait. In real life it often takes a month to six weeks!

"Was she raped?" Detective Dim asks. "Yes, there's a lot of bruising," the M.E. replies.

Oops. Over dressed. Watch the next time a couple has sex on the screen. Usually the woman is able to perform beautifully while still wearing her panties! And five minutes after sex? Both partners get out of bed having magically slipped their undies back on. Now a rape victim? How thoughtful of the perpetrator to redress her.

"I know this girl," Witt says.

Oops. L/A and NY are small towns. Sure you do. It's logical that you would. It's a small city only 6-8 million people!

"When I was working Vice, I busted her for prostitution. But she was a good kid, just working as a call-girl because she needed the money for medical school," Witt adds.

Oops. Get real! Watch one of the HBO shows that follow real hookers on the street. Medical School? I don't think so.

"Look Witt, a diary!" Dim exclaims! "And …oh man…there's some very important men in here. Whew!"

Oops. Get real, Part II. Right. There's always a handy little book with the names of every big shot in town inside. Everyone knows that even in the one in a million chance this girl did meet a big shot, he wouldn't use his real name.

"Let's get out of here and check 'em out," Witt says. The next shot shows the detectives at a table in a restaurant. Their food comes as they read the names in the book making wisecracks. Suddenly, they find a name with five stars, highlighted and the words HE DID IT written off to the side. The partners run to the car.

Oops. I'm still hungry. No one ever eats the food they order in the movies. That's okay, they usually don't pay either.

It's now broad daylight and the detectives sit in front of Benny the Rat's house. He has a long driveway to a road with no traffic. The detective's stakeout the house from across the street at the end of the driveway. There are no other cars on the street. Benny finally leaves carrying a suspicious bag. He drives right past the cops but doesn't notice them.

Oops. The invisible car trick. Although as obvious as a cat at a dog show, no one ever notices the stakeout car even though it is the only car in sight!

Hey, the guy just committed murder. He's got a lot on his mind and probably wouldn't notice a car by his gate.

As the policemen follow Benny, the M.E. calls and tells them they have a match. The DNA is Benny the Rat's! The car chase is now on. Faster and faster the two cars go. Dozens of cars crash into one another behind the chase car. Sidewalks are driven on, alleys are used and finally Benny just makes it in front of a huge truck crossing the street. This truck now blocks the cops and Benny gets away.

Oops. Multiple goof offense. Why don't the cops radio for help down the road during the chase? Of course, the DNA faux pas continues. Driving on the sidewalk? I won't even comment on that one. And the perpetrator's best friend, the fortunate big truck? Boy that guy gets in the way a lot.

Upset and dejected, Dim and Witt return to the station for a real butt chewing by Captain Gruff. "You two dimwits are off of this case. NOW. I want you back on purse snatching duty. The Mayor is down my throat," the Captain bellows.

Oops. Bad Captain! Bad Captain! Why does every Captain or Lieutenant insist on doing everything he can to prevent his "best" detectives from solving the case? And must they all yell?

"Let's drive by the cemetery," Witt says as they get back in their car and ignore their yelling boss. "She really got to ya? Huh kid?" Dim replies. "Yeah she did." Soon they are at the grave-site placing flowers and reading her beautiful headstone.

Oops. Express funerals? Victims are buried the next day or two in the movies. Headstones are immediately available and the grass and earth looks untouched. That's efficiency!

The cops go to the "cops bar" and Dim begins to down shots of whiskey.

Oops. Jim Beam would be impressed. Try drinking a glass of whiskey and see if you wince. In the movies even kids drink without as much as a frown. But the good thing is that no one ever has to pay in the bar. The bartender just stands there and pours shot after shot.

"Wait a minute," Witt says recalling something. "I saw a decal in the corner of Rat's front window while we were chasing him. It said ABCDEF-G. I'll call it in and see what we have on it." Instantly Witt gets a call back. "The sticker belongs to Country Club X. And the G? That was issued to Benny the Rat!" The partners run out of the bar and drive recklessly to the Country Club.

Oops. Super computer. It's amazing that everyone on a screen is a computer expert (able to even break passwords) and finds the most obscure information in the world. "There were two pairs of those shoes sold in New York City and one was sold to a short man with a mustache." Too bad the rest of us can't get such quick and detailed responses.

Once at the Country Club, Benny sees the cops and begins to run. Witt gets the car while the younger Dim begins the foot race. This race lasts about five minutes with every piece of lawn furniture and trashcan being knocked over. It ends with Benny finally going into a dead-end alley and trying to climb a 12- foot fence. Dim touches him and Benny drops to the ground with his hands in the air. They walk back to the car that is now at the end of the alley.
Case Closed!

Oops. OMG where to start? Why does the bad guy always give up without a fight or a shot being fired. He'll run for his life but not throw a punch when cornered. Wimps! What is the purpose of knocking over anything you can touch? It seems it would take you more time than just running. Why are there these huge fences at the end of alleys? True they work well for catching the bad guy. Now that's planning!

Now the storyline isn't all that predictable. Benny could have had a twin brother he didn't know about who set the whole thing up!