Movie Surprises, My Biggest Movie-Going Disappointments

The following is the first of a two-part article, featuring a dozen movies and two stage shows. The first part will be, as the title indicates, my six most disappointing movies as well as my biggest let-down in a live show. At some point in the future, I will regale you with my five most pleasant surprises: again, half a dozen movies and one stage show.

I decided to start with the negative half first, because, so often, I find myself praising various elements of the performing arts unto the rafters. Every now and again, as I did a while back with My Ten Worst Songs, I like to spread a little hatred around, just to keep from being thought of as a soft touch.

I will simply list these movies in chronological order, rather than trying to rank them by degree of ugth. They cover quite a span of time and variety of subjects for so short a list.

1. Song of the South, RKO Pictures, 1946

To be sure, I did not see this film when it was released. I was a baby at the time. Unfortunately, producer Walt Disney and his empire have re-released the movie again and again.

I caught it in 1955, when, after very effectively ballyhooing the movie on the new Disneyland show on TV, they did another release of Song of the South.

Here's the situation: the movie was based on the Uncle Remus fables of Joel Chandler Harris, and it did feature three animated adventures of the wily Br'er Rabbit and his foes. The cartoons were superbly done-Disney at his best, no question about it, but there were only three of them in the entire long, sappy, badly-acted, worse-written movie. What a sleeve job that turned out to be!

There was one excellent actor in the live cast: James Baskett, who played the Uncle Remus character with both dignity and joy. (He later received a special Oscar for his work). Still, his efforts were not enough, by a long shot, to save what was, in the end, a bad movie.

We children who saw the cartoons (all three of them) on the Disneyland show thought we were going to be treated to another of the studio's excellent full-length animated classics, such as Snow White or Cinderella. No soup for you, little man.

2. High Noon, United Artists, 1952

You heard me, I said High Noon. I missed the movie when it came out, but rented it, several years later. I should have obeyed my first instinct.

Critics have praised this particular western because, rather than being a bang-bang shoot 'em up type of film, it strives to be a much deeper psychological drama about facing one's fears. That's fine, you can do that in a movie-even a western-and carry it off, if you know what you're doing.

In my recent article, Ten Movies to Watch on a Rainy Day, I had occasion to mention John Wayne's last movie, The Shootist, which dealt with a similar theme as this film, except that Wayne's character was a dying gunfighter, while High Noon's star, Gary Cooper, was a presumably healthy U.S. marshal. Given the two films' superficial similarity, there is a whole world of difference between the drama leading up to the climax in The Shootist and the same aspect of High Noon. The former was fascinating and brilliantly-written; the latter was simply annoying.

On the whole, I considered Cooper a slightly better actor than Wayne, but no amount of acting skill can overcome bad, draggy writing. This was a very overrated movie.

3. Mame, Warner Brothers, 1974

The stage show, Mame, was a top-tier Broadway musical. I have associated myself with performances of the show twice (once as a performer, once behind-the-scenes) and enjoyed the experiences.

All that said, whenever you venture to see a film treatment of a Broadway hit, you are sort of buying swine in a poke, because the moviemakers have no shame whatsoever when it comes to tearing apart Broadway scripts and scores and remaking them in their own image.

Not all film adaptations are abominations, while some are quite good and faithful to the original show. I list this movie as the epitome of horribly-botched Hollywood treatments of Broadway's best. It is the worst of the worst.

Forget that Lucille Ball was a superb comedienne, while Robert Preston (her love interest in the show) was frequently spectacular on stage and screen, they both simply went through the motions in this one. And who could blame them? If you were familiar with the original show, then saw what a sad, sad mess the screenwriters made of it, your enthusiasm would wane too.

4. The Color of Money, Touchstone Pictures, 1986

Two of the best movies I saw in the entirety of the 1960s came at the beginning of the decade: Psycho and The Hustler. The latter was the story of a skilled, but undisciplined pool shark named "Fast Eddie" Felson, brilliantly played by Paul Newman. But for George C. Scott's excellent performance as Fast Eddie's pimp...or, rather, manager, Newman might have won himself an Academy Award for the role. (Scott won the Oscar that year).

Then, about a quarter of a century later, came a sequel: The Color of Money. I could not have been happier to hear the news. Of course Scott and Jackie Gleason (Eddie's pool-shooting opponent, Minnesota Fats, in the original) had faded from the scene, but, I felt there was still plenty of story to tell. Sad to say, there was not.

This was a long, rambling, boring movie that went nowhere, and not nearly fast enough. Yes, Paul Newman did finally win his Oscar, but, really, not for what he did in this movie. He won the Oscar because-cripes, Paul Newman is getting really old, and we haven't given him an Oscar yet.

Please do not imagine for a moment that the insertion of Tom Cruise and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio into the cast gave the movie any sort of pizzazz whatsoever. They both have done far, far better work elsewhere than they did here. Skip this one if you haven't skipped it already.

5. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward, Robert Ford, Warner Bros., 2007

I will venture that the infamous "cutting room floor," graveyard for so many interesting scenes from so many movies, was as clean as a whistle when this film wrapped, even before the attentions of any persons of the janitorial persuasion. That is to say, this movie ran on and on and on, for nearly three hours.

It starred Brad Pitt doing what I felt was unquestionably the worst work of his career. I can't say for sure, because, so turned off was I by this movie, I have been reluctant to see anything else he has starred in since.

But Pitt is not the true villain of the piece. If the people who distribute the "Razzies" (for the worst in cinema over a given year) had a topic for worst editing, this film would have won, hands down.

And when you get to the climax of this rambling, incoherent marathon, you come to an ending which, even though we all know how the story comes out, still manages to make no sense at all.

What's that you say, you have an insufferable itch to see the Jesse James story played out on the screen? If that is your situation, then rent a movie called The Long Riders, which came out in 1980. On top of being a well-written, well-acted movie (particularly on the part of Randy Quaid, as one of the gang members), it featured an Oscar-winning soundtrack by none other than Ry Cooder. There's your Jesse James story, not this other sorry mess.

6. There Will be Blood, Paramount Vantage/Mirimax, 2007

I am simply astounded that this dragged-out, gobbling turkey of a film was actually nominated for an Academy Award. Mercifully, it did not stretch the laws of probability so far as to win.

There are a number of film critics who are so enamored of Daniel Day-Lewis (a generally excellent actor, to be sure) that they would swoon at the sight of him ordering a meal at Taco Bell. Perhaps that is why they were unable to see through this movie as the pretentious load of...um...hokum that it was.

As with the previous entry, this one goes on way too long. Also, like the previous movie, the climax is horribly nonsensical, except far more so. In fact, the only redeeming aspect of this film's climax was that it marked the ending of a very, very bad movie.

I think too many critics confused histrionics for good acting and (pretty fair) cinematography for plot development.

I also think it is a shame that There Will be Blood was based on a novel by Upton Sinclair. I have a great deal of respect for Sinclair's writing, and that was the main thing that prompted me to see this movie. On the other hand the phrase "based on" can cover a multitude of sins.

Bonus feature: My most disappointing stage show.

I think I have launched on this rant before, but I cannot recall exactly where or when, else I would insert another shameless plug.

The show I am referring to is The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. It opened on Broadway in 1978 and, inexplicably, garnered far more Tony award recognition than I could possibly imagine it deserved.

Admittedly, I did not see the show on Broadway, not being a millionaire, but, instead, at the Warner Theatre in Washington, DC. The different locale and almost certainly different personnel might account for the inexcusably bad acting, staging and the especially atrocious choreography. I mean it was so bad, a straight man selected at random could probably have done a better job.

On the other hand, the new locale cannot account for the mawkish, stilted dialogue and the godawful excuse for the show's music, composed by someone named Carol Hall, any more of whose music I have an overwhelming urge never, ever to have inflicted upon me. During one of the really worst songs, in the second act, I actually excused myself and left, under the pretense of having to use the bathroom, but, really, just to be spared the rest of the song.

The sad thing about my experience was, that weekend, I had the choice of two shows to see. I could either see this musical about politics in some banana country at the National Theatre or that nifty thing about a whorehouse at the Warner. In my infinite wisdom, I passed up a chance to see Evita for this monstrosity.

Well, there you have my most unpleasant surprises in the performing arts. Soon, I shall flip the coin onto the other side. Support you local live theater. It is generally not nearly as bad as I may have led you to believe.

Sources

Wikipedia

imdb.com

Own observation and experience