Movie and Television Cliches About Women

I had to write this down after watching another movie and saying to myself, "Oh come on now!" Women in movies have so many clichés it's unreal. I know, you've read all of the funny movie clichés but this particular article is about women in television and movies.

The first obvious cliché is that women look good after waking up. I'm sorry but when I wake up I look like I came out of ICU. No makeup, bed head, pillow lines, you name it. I mean really, I don't wear my make up to bed and my hair gets messy just like everyone else. Well, except those gorgeous women on TV.

Women in movies look good after a swim. I don't care how much waterproof mascara you buy, it's going to smudge after a dip in a chlorinated pool. Granted, some mascara doesn't but this isn't even about that. When I've been in the sun and swimming, after I get out of the water I look like one of the early 80's Seventeen Magazine models. My freckles come out, my face is clear sans make up, and my hair is slicked down with water. Let's not even talk about red eyes from the chlorine.

Women in movies look good after getting beat up. Okay, Farrah Fawcett gets the crap beat out of her in The Burning Bed and yet even with the bruises and cuts, she looks pretty. No women in movies that have just been beaten have those big puffy eyes that are almost closed or one fat lip. It's a nicely spaced palette of bruises and cuts. This is in no way demeaning the victim in a movie; I'm simply stating how they look afterwards.

Women always read in bed with a lamp on, sitting up. I read in bed with a book light and on my stomach. I never sit up. Perhaps some of you do but what I mean is that it's always the same position and that little lamp beside the bed that never disturbs the other person. And while I'm at it, does anyone really have a nightmare where they bolt straight up in bed? I've had plenty of nightmares and not once did I ever bolt straight up, eyes wide open, and scream.

When a woman gets into a fight with her boyfriend or spouse, they have hot make up sex. Maybe some of you do, and don't get me wrong, I have an excellent sex life but when I'm pissed off at my husband, I do NOT have make up sex. In fact, that's the last thing on my mind when I'm angry.

Movie women always do volunteer work or have nice flower gardens if they have a rich husband. If I had a rich husband you would see me give to charity and sure, I might help out down at the Humane Society once in a while but these women are always doing volunteer work or working in their flower gardens. Don't forget the perfect flowers and the cute little gloves that no one really wears.

Women in movies get phone calls where no one says a word and they automatically freak out and yell, "Who is this?" I've gotten plenty of hang-ups and non-talkers and I either dial *69 or tell them I'm hanging up and laugh at them. Not once have I gotten scared and yelled at the phone.

No women have voice mail. Otherwise, how could we hear their answering machine message? Probably the same reason my mom still thinks I can hear her over the machine and will tell me to pick up the phone if I'm there. Gee, I've had voice mail from my phone company for years now. Can't they just put it on speakerphone so we can still hear the ominous message?

Women have clean homes. Sure, so do I but I have to clean it for it to look that way and yet, it still never looks like I just bought the house and have never used it. I know, women cleaning in the movies would be boring but I'm just saying. And movie women always make their bed.

Women always use dry cleaners. Granted, I've used the dry cleaner before but it's not a weekly thing by any means.

There's many more but most you can find on the Internet and are not my own imagination. Some of my favorites are: when you go to the store, you always come back with bread or broccoli sticking out of the bag, when running from a killer he'll always be faster than you even if he's walking, and my personal favorite... give a woman a gun and she'll automatically know how to shoot and hit precisely. Now, I know how to fire a gun and I've done so but I've been to the laser gun arcade and I must've gotten killed about 30 times. It's not so easy when you're running and hiding from people. Where are my movie special powers when I need them?