Moving Back Home When You Can't Get a Job: How to Make a Multi-Family House Work

When I got out of the Navy less than a year ago, I experienced a severe economic culture shock. I had a little bit of money in savings, had a two-year degree, not to mention my military experience. My combined college credits totaled over 140. I thought I would surely find a decent paying job, a decent place to live, and that I would do just fine in our economy. I was very wrong.

My daughter and I moved in with my mother who was not yet getting her social security payments. She herself was living off of savings. After paying her a modest rent, and paying other monthly bills, I soon realized my unemployment checks weren't going to give me much room to save money. I went full force with my job hunt. I applied to offices, previous employers, stores, restaurants, clinics, and even to local and federal agencies. Nothing. I got one call back from a major retailer who wanted to hire me part-time as a cashier. After exhausting my time and effort gathering all the office, college, and general experience I had onto several different resumes, I decided to take a job as a waitress. Within one month, the restaurant owners sold the business, and I am once again hunting for a job. Luckily, I was only working part time, so I am still eligible for unemployment payments.

I understand that I am not the only one having a rough time in this economy, but I can tell you, from almost an outsiders point of view, that the economy has most certainly changed dramatically in the last 7-10 years. I used to have a two bedroom apartment, a car, plenty of food, and I was still able to buy fun things, go to the movies, and even go to sports games and music concerts. I didn't have any debt. I did that all on a very low income. Now, I'm not sure how that's possible!! I could never do that on my own, or even with a roommate.

I live with my mom still. I absolutely hate it. We argue about money, about what time the cats are to be fed, about how my daughter is raised, about what I wear, about how late I stay up and about how much time I spend on the computer, and about what types of jobs I apply for. I feel like a teenager again. I don't have my own room. I started paying rent, on my own volition, before I was even here for a month. I pay the cable bill, even though I don't get all the channels my mom gets in her room; I pay the garbage bill, and when her bills get too high, I pay her extra on rent.

In short, I pay a lot of money just to stay here, and I feel stuck because I can't afford to move out on my own. I'll need her when I do get a different job, and she needs me to supplement her income. I really have learned a lot about my situation, and to be honest, I realize that despite what doesn't work for us, the reality is that living together can in fact be a winning situation. Learn from our mistakes!!

Living With Parents and In-Laws: What Doesn't Work:

1. Not setting a clearly defined payment contract. My mother and I never once sat down and discussed how much would be appropriate for me to live here. I don't really add up my expenses, and now, I feel that some of her complaints are just unfair considering how much money I pour into living here. I pay a weekly rent; an expensive cable bill, and the garbage bill. In total, I pay $597 per month to share a room with my daughter and have no control, whatsoever, about my living conditions, IE, furniture, where I put my jacket when I get home. Had I been able to discuss these things with my mom before moving here; we'd both know what to expect of each other. "I expect you to feed the cats in the morning; take out the trash each week; pay such and such for rent and such and such for bills," would have really helped to alleviate the tension between the two of us.

I cannot illustrate enough how important it is to get the RULES and the expected PAYMENTS clearly defined before living together.

2. Not defining limits before moving in together. Are you going to have your own room? Do you like to play video games at three in the morning? Before even beginning to move in, clear the air. If you know your sister, mother, or whoever it is you're considering living with has pet peeves or has habits you don't like, be sure to bring them up before moving in together. Make it a policy not to get too involved in the other person's private life unless what they are doing can cause immediate danger to themselves or to someone else.

3. Not respecting each other as individuals. All too often, family members have a much harder time living together than do roommates. It's tough when someone has a vested interest in the other person, and had expectations on that person that are much higher than they would be for someone not related to them. Who someone's dating, where they go at night, how much make-up they wear, or what kind of clothes they were can seem so very important to family members.

4. Overstepping parental boundaries. If you plan on living with someone with a child, whether it's your nieces, nephew, or grandchild, refrain from overstepping parental discipline. If the mom says "no," respect that. Don't say, "Well, I'll let you have just one cookie," or "You can play that video game a little longer," if the mom or dad already said "no." All children get unruly at times. Expect that. If the parent is having a hard time, back them up, but don't overrule them, and certainly don't criticize their parenting right in front of the child. You're causing more trouble with the child if you do that. Step back. If the child is causing you problems, you need to make sure that child knows what rules you have, and be sure to have discussed this with the parent.

5. Not respecting the financial responsibilities of shared living. If your rent is $600/month, pay it, no matter what. Don't just assume your parents, or your siblings will let you slide because they make more money than you. If you were living on your own, you'd probably be paying more than what you're paying right now. On the flip side, if you were the original owner of the home, don't expect your new family residents to pay for the luxuries that you now have, but cannot really afford. Why should they pay for your super duper deluxe broadband Internet payments, if all they needed in the first place was dial-up? Understand that, yes, they may use these features simply because that's all that's available, but making them pay half if they would prefer a cheaper service isn't fair. Discuss these things before moving in together.

Benefits of Living Together

1. Lower living expenses. While the grocery bills, electricity bill, and some other bills will most definitely get higher for that particular residence, the cost of doubling up goes down. The cable bill, for example, shouldn't increase with an increased number of residence. That's a shared bill. The rent or mortgage shouldn't go up, but it will now be shared.

2. Family support. You'll have more flexibility in terms of daycare if you can work something out with your family members. If they can pick them up before or after school, or watch them during the night, you'd have a great benefit. Also, if your in-house family members also have children, perhaps you can alternate baby-sitting. This in itself can be a very rewarding benefit.

3. A nice relationship with family. If you take care of all the garbage that gets people into arguments before it becomes an argument, your relationship with your family members can improve dramatically by living together.

Options for Living Together

1. Separate Apartments. With a little bit of investment money, you can turn a section of the home into a studio apartment. With your own bathroom(s), kitchenette, and entrance, you are giving yourself or your relatives a great deal of privacy. We all need a little space.

2. A travel trailer in the yard. This option works best for the single adult moving in with someone who has a big yard (and lives in an area where zoning permits this). Why pay a big lot rent when you can just help out with electricity, water, and other amenities? You'll have your own place, and you'll be there for support.

3. Share the entire house. I think this one is the toughest option, especially when the house in question has belonged to the other family for a long time. Why? Because while you might end up paying almost half the costs of living there, you'll find the other family may be somewhat inflexible with changing anything or with having to share some of the common areas of the house liberally. Be sure to come up with a plan of action before doing this.

The Bottom Line

Definitely consider moving in with with a family for two reasons:

1. It will save you both some money in this tough economic environment
2. With the population ever exploding, saving the environment by minimizing space and sharing a home is such an admirable consideration.