Moving On: Life After an Abusive Relationship

At some point in our lives, each of us will have an encounter with an abusive situation. You may not be the victim, but you will still be effected in some way by abuse.

When people think of abuse, they usually think about physical violence. However, abuse takes many different forms. There is verbal, emotional and sexual abuse. You can be stalked, tracked and even cyber stalked. People of both genders and from all walks of life can be victims of abuse. I should know it happened to me.

I had witnessed the effects of abuse before. I saw my friends and my students deal with the heartache and fallout. I never thought it would be me. I'm a twenty-something college educated girl with a pretty good start at a career in the academic world. I was pretty happy with my life when I met my ex-boyfriend.

It sounds cliche, but everything did start off well. He was bringing in decent money. He treated me well. He made me feel good about myself. I couldn't complain. Then things slowly fell apart. He became controlling. It was little things. We would only watch TV shows or movies he wanted to watch. Every time we got in my car, he would put one of his CDs in. He was critical of me. Nothing was quite up to his standards. He was negative about my career. He would have these wild mood swings. He threatened to kill himself. Anytime I tried to bring up something he didn't want to talk about he would get depressed. If I tried to do something that wasn't all about him he would have some crisis he needed me to talk him through. He stopped working all together, and I was supporting both of us. I thought that we were going through a rough patch. I really thought things would get better, but they only got worse. I was deep into a pattern of emotional abuse.

Things finally came to a head. He ruined my vacation with my family, and broke up with me on birthday. I was hurt, I was upset, but I still didn't see the abuse. It wasn't until a day or so later that I had a wake up call. I was grading research papers, and one of my students had written a paper on Domestic Abuse. As I read through the essay, I realized my relationship had several of the signs. I was floored. If had any thought I could go back to him, it was gone.

Recovering from an abusive situation is an uphill battle. It may not be easy, there is no easy fix, but it can be done. It's hard to undo the brainwashing from any type of abuse. The first step is to always remember this isn't your fault. The moment you forget that simple fact, you have just made your ask monumentally more difficult.

Moving on takes time and support. This is a time for you to call on your friends and family. You need people who really know and love you as you face this hurdle. Even if you have been alienated from them, anyone who true loves you will stick by your side. If you need more help, join a support group or consider finding a therapist.

Remember, your abuser is still going to try and wield power over you. Anything is fair game. First my ex tried to make this whole break up my fault. He told me he forgave me for what I did to him. He wanted to try again. When that didn't work, he went for the last two cards in his arsenal: my career and my low self esteem.

First he made threats to try and destroy my career with lies and false allegations. After that attempt failed, he was running out of options. His last strike was at my self esteem. He claimed he had cheated on me early in our relationship, and that he was never actually physically attracted to me. He told me I was basically repulsive to him.

The goal is to not give in. That is what the abuser is gunning for. That person knows your insecurities, and will use them against you. I was terrified when he first made the threats to ruin my career. It took so much for me not to pick up the phone and call him. If I did that, he won. Instead I had to stay strong, and use the e-mail threats to file a police report.

Moving On is hard. It is one thing to get out of the abusive situation. It is another to totally recover. The nightmare still rages on. The abuser may still terrorize you. The negative effects of the abuse will still be present in your life. You have a choice. You can let the abuser continue to rule you, or you can start again. Starting again has its own challenges and problems, but it is worth it.

Right now, I'm not even sure of how I will start over. The drama is still fresh. I still am fearful of what other stunts he may pull. All I can do is look to the future and be careful. I have to keep reminding myself it will get better.