Moving from a Victim of Child Abuse to a Survivor

There must come a defining moment in your life when you choose to name your abusive childhood for what it was. Then you can begin to move forward and get out of the useless rut of trying to get even. There is no 'getting even' for being abused as a child.

Any type of childhood abuse or neglect often leads adults to negative, vengeful, raging thoughts and self-destructive actions. That is the nature of the beast. Sometimes entire adult lives are spent knowingly or unknowingly, seeking revenge for their harmful childhoods. This usually results in extreme physical, psychological and emotional harm. More often than not, what you do usually does not affect the perpetrator in the least.

Every moment, good or bad, that happens in your childhood, is part of you. It is like a quilt, a dark piece here, a brightly colored piece there. The good news is, you can continue to work this quilt into a beautiful work of art. Throughout the worst of your childhood, good moments can be found, even if they are outside of your immediate family. You must search intensely for these moments and savor them. Write these precious moments down. This is not to say that you should just forget about anything bad that ever happened. This is not possible, nor is it healthy.

It is not fair for you to continue your adult life as the victim of childhood abuse. Yes, it has shaped a great deal of whom you are and how you perceive the world at large. But, there are also positive things that have happened to you, and you must learn to incorporate all of it into your whole adult being. There is research that proves that abused children who had even one trusting adult in their life have a higher chance of recovery. Search your memory for such a person. Make yourself remember the impact this person had on your childhood.

There comes a moment when you realize that there is no 'getting back or getting even' with your perpetrator. The healing process will not allow you to stay stuck in that concept. You have to make a choice. You can either remain chained to hurt and anger or, you can choose to move forward to the person you were ultimately meant to be. No one was put on this earth to have a victim mentality forever. You are meant to become a survivor.

Yes, there is work involved here, and lots of it. In fact, it will be the hardest thing you will ever do. But the payoff is the most rewardingthing you will ever give yourself. The first thing you must do is admit that you are no longer interested in 'getting back' at someone. This is what will keep you in a victim mode. Then you must admit, with your whole being, that you are interested in 'giving back' to yourself. The truth is, you deserve it.

Finding a qualified therapist is the first step. This may not be easy. Research the therapists in your geographical area. You might start with a phone call to your local mental health agency or child advocacy center. Both can usually provide you with a list of the names of therapists who are licensed. If you do not have insurance or your insurance does not cover mental health costs, see if one of the therapists will provide services on what is known as a sliding fee scale. This means that you will be charged according to your income.

If finding a qualified therapist is number one on this list, then number two is finding one with whom you can build a trusting relationship. The work that will be involved will mainly focus on trust issues. When children are abused and/or neglected, the major issue boils down to broken trust in an adult whom you thought was there to protect you. Children instinctively believe they can trust all adults.

A licensed therapist will guide you in the healing process. They have knowledge and understanding of the issues you are facing from childhood abuse. Most therapists will incorporate office visits with 'homework assignments'. These homework assignments will (1) speed the lengthy process along and (2) give you time to reach down deep into your being. There is no way around this. The scars of abuse formed long ago and have been building up scar tissue for years. You have to cut through these layers to find out what is there and what isn't. The truth is in this place and it must be laid open for what it is.

A wise woman once told me this about therapy: "Have you ever had a splinter? At first, it really hurts and you can see it. If the splinter is not removed, it will go deeper into the skin. Until it is completely removed, it will, from time to time, fester and become quite painful. But once the splinter is completely exposed and removed, the skin is allowed to heal. The scar that is left becomes a reminder that once upon a time, there was often a great deal of pain there."

After reading many definitions of the word scar, one fit this article best. Wikipedia.org, an online dictionary, defines a scar as "a natural part of the healing process". It also states, "the worse the damage is, the worse the scar will be". Childhood abuse results in emotional scarring. This is the deepest and most damaging scar. The healing process will be a lifelong journey. There will be times when the scars will become irritated and may need to be revisited with your therapist. This is natural and more common than not. The scars will always be there, they are part of who you are.

Take a step toward moving forward in becoming a survivor. Do this for yourself, not to spite someone, but in spite of everyone. See your moment to name your abuse for what it is, a chance to begin healing. You had no choice when you were a child victim, but as an adult, you can reclaim your power and choose to do whatever it takes to move forward. Find your moment and seize it. No one has more at stake than you and no one has more to gain.