Mr. Doan's Guide to Cheering Yourself Up

This isn't going to read as a traditional step-by-step guide, because any of the following can be applied in any order which you see fit. It's basically looking for the right remedy in the jumbled paragraphs that follow this one. Good luck, and remember, look up!

Initially, when you feel down you probably shouldn't try to cover it up with something right away (IE drown yourself with alcohol, drugs, candle wax, what have you). Try to figure out what it is that is bothering you and whether or not you can change it. If not, then try some of these suggestions.

Find your favorite music. Try to find a song that will lift up your spirits and look at life in a different perspective. Even if it's somber, just knowing someone out there can feel sorrow can comfort you at times. I personally have such an eclectic collection on iTunes (I admit to having the G.D. program, yes, so sue me) so it's never hard to find a good ole tune that brings me back to a better place. Personally, I prefer some smooth jazz. I know everyone and their mother likes John Coltrane, but, dammit, he is that good. Memories of a time when you were happy can lead you to the next tip...

Call up some pals. (If you're depressed because you lost a friend or all your friends in a horrible accident, I'm really sorry--please move on to the next tip). Whether you know it or not, most of your "bro"s can sympathize with you when something happens. Of course, it will be inevitably prefixed with the term "I don't want to sound...you know..." but it will usually come after that in the form of "Yeah. If you need...I'm here...If you want to talk or anything..." and immediately and almost assertively followed by "But if not, that's cool." Bro hugs all around. (If not, that's cool). Girls can usually empathize with any scenario--which isn't a bad qualities, ladies. I'm just saying you're...better prepared to help a friend than most of us guys are in some situations.

Make special note of the time of day it happens. Either someone told me...or I read...or I made up the term "Everything looks better in the morning". That's usually true along with the adage that "Everything in your mouth feels bigger than it usually is". So if you have a cut on your gum and you're feeling blue, don't worry, it's probably not even that huge.

Television can help. Especially if it's something completely unrealistically stupid. I find that the less intellectual comedies help me the most. Just find your special brand of humor on there and watch it until you can't help but laugh at something. Like that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry accused the HBO executive of stealing shrimp from his take out. I mean...come on...seriously...come on. Larry David is horrible, but funny.

Write. I'm not talking about dark, brooding poetry (but hey if it's what the doctor ordered, then go ahead...), but things that actually help you. You'll know if you're trying to hard if you're tapping your pen on the desk trying to figure out a phrase that rhymes with "...endlessly bleeding heart". Just writing things that go through your head (a la James Joyce) can help a lot. I find that by doing some thinking like that I can usually find out where the situation went wrong and attempt to correct it from there.

Looking up at the sky helps me sometimes, too. Seeing the world for what we really are--a blue ball in a void--is humbling. Carl Sagan is one of my heroes and so, I try to think of what people have said. All the stars and planets floating about in their cosmic dance is pacifying. Sometimes, all we need is a change of our view.

Or just live it out. Sometimes, even literary, philosophic, political, and scientific geniuses like me can't help you out. But that's okay because all you have to do is just remember that I'm on my private yacht with Billy (that's Mr. Gates to you...proletarians) and Robin Leach living large using 100 dollar bills as lures for the great white shark we fish for. Just try and imagine yourself as me for a moment or two and things will start to get better.