MTV "Skins" Premiere Recap and Review: Empty Skins Are Pretty Useless

It's almost hard to do a recap and review of MTV's new show "Skins", because watching it was exhausting enough. But I'll give it a shot. The premiere quickly introduced us to the show's cast of characters led by Tony, a cool laidback guy that reminds me a lot of a raunchier version of Ferris Bueller. And the premiere of skins was loaded with teen movie clichés, including a storyline about trying to get Tony's unhygienic friend Stanley laid before he turns 17.

But let me start this difficult recap and review with the first scene. We see a zombified Ke$ha lookalike wandering down the street of a chic suburban neighborhood to what turns out to be her house. Her brother Tony, who sleeps in a bed covered with some creepy spider blankets, is standing at the window admiring their topless exhibitionist neighbor, probably the show's token cougar. As it turns out, the girl is Tony's sister Eura, and when he finally notices her standing outside staring up at his window, he springs into action by blaring some music.

This prompts dad, a De Niro look alike, to run upstairs screaming at Tony exactly like the dad from Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" video, giving Eura just enough time to sneak in. If this isn't enough to establish how cool Tony is, he also locks the bathroom door from the inside with his dad still screaming at him and climbs out the window, going back inside for some more screaming and some breakfast. Of course, he takes it all in stride.

Through a series of phone calls (I thought texting was en vogue these days?) we meet Tony's friends. There's Shaggy lookalike Stanley, who we meet in a bed covered with pizza and Playboys. Then we meet trumpet-playing band girl Daisy (the good girl of the bunch, I'm guessing), and Ferris Bueller's equally cool and laidback girlfriend Michelle (who he calls "Nips").

Then there's Chris, a "Jersey Shore" Vinny lookalike enjoying the company of a girl with a major overbite, and Abbud, the token Muslim of the bunch who tells Tony that his Uncle wants to stone him for taking a call in the middle of worship ( "Skins" doesn't reinforce stereotypes at all, I see).

Tea is a lesbian cheerleader (and boy do the cheerleaders on "Skins" show a lot of skin) who does an amazing job of talking on the phone while practicing a routine (which ends with her fellow cheerleaders groping her, because she's a lesbian. Get it?).

And since MTV's "Skins" is about high school kids, of course there are going to be dysfunctional teachers. We're quickly introduced to a good-looking, sobbing teacher that students casually call Tina. They also aren't afraid of dishing out advice to her: no more P.E. teachers, no matter how big his...well, you get the idea. The show wastes no time showing Chris hitting on her by playing white knight, answering Tina's cell phone and calling out the guy on the other end. It ends up being another teacher that tells him he's got late homework, and Chris' response is to call him a pervert.

Tony is trying to get his friends to help him help his friend Stanley lose his virginity, and Tea promises that she'll have an "accidental" wardrobe malfunction at the next football game if he can get this accomplished. But Tony comes up with a plan. At first Stanley gets excited, thinking he's going to score with Tony's girl Michelle (who he's apparently in love with), but it turns out the two want to hook him up with wack-job Cadie (after he visits a drug dealer to get weed for their party, of course).

So Stanley goes to visit his future conquest, who has created some weird phallic vegetable art. Apparently Cadie is crazy about food...and knives. She tells Stanley how she once tortured a hamster and reveals that she's planning on turning a live rabbit into stew, also letting Stanley know that she's going to need some really great narcotics if he's going to sleep with her.

In the meantime, Tony is visiting the Edith Damp (ugh) all-girls school to try out for the choir (which conveniently needs male members). He sings "Let's Fall in Love" (trying to draw some "Glee" fans there, MTV?) while every girl in the choir instantly falls in love with him. A blonde bimbo named Tabitha approaches him after the auditions (of course he gets the job) and invites him to a party where she plans on getting "totally retarded".

As Tony is leaving, he's approached by a male teacher that reproaches him for trying to weasel his way into an all-girl school to pick them off as he pleases. However, the teacher can't get to smooth-talker Tony, so he resorts to pushing an alarm button to summon the school's security guards. Unfortunately, the two female guards that heed his call attack him instead (this guy is so the dean at Ferris Bueller's school, Edward Rooney).

And MTV's "Skins" finally tries to get more controversial by showing a teen picking up drugs from a dealer. Stanley finds the drug dealer's pad in a suburban neighborhood (which looks a lot like the one from "Friday 2") where he walks into what first looks like a brothel. But after first being greeted by scantily-clad women, he's accosted by a kooky dude wearing Jane Lynch's track suit that gives him a bag of weed and tells him he better bring him $900.00 for it within 48 hours. Meanwhile, Tony (who told him to get the weed) is desperately trying to call him to cancel the deal, having been advised that no one buys weed anymore (so Tony isn't so on top of things, after all).

But it's too late, and Stanley shows up at Tabitha's rich kid party with the weed, where everyone is getting pretty "rambunctious". Tony, Tabitha, Stanley, and Cadie are joined by the rest of the group, who decided to leave a disappointing lesbian party after the girls there didn't get all "Girls Gone Wild" like they'd envisioned they would.

Inside Tabitha introduces the group to Randy, Candy, Brandy, Mandy, Sandy, and five Summers (or something like that) before everyone starts bumping, grinding, and ultimately fighting. Meanwhile, Stanley and Cadie share a moment together outside on the trampoline (a symbol of innocence lost? Ha. Ha.), where Cadie tells Stanley that she knows he loves Michelle, but if they're going to have sex, he needs to hurry, because she's taken some pills. She passes out; Stanley thinks she's overdosed and carries her inside; and he and his friends steal someone's car to take her to the hospital.

But when they arrive in front of the hospital, Cadie comes to and says that she has to pee. So they park next to a body of water beside a bush with absolutely no coverage. While everyone's waiting, they decide to partake of the unpaid-for weed, and Tony starts searching his pants for some "skins". However, the clutch gets knocked into neutral, and the stolen car rolls into the water. Everyone escapes, but the weed is lost.

At the end of the show we learn that the exhibitionist cougar neighbor is the wife of the bumbling Ed Rooney character, and Tony still can't believe that Stanley hasn't got laid.

So while MTV's "Skins" is supposed to be controversial for the sex and the drug use, there was actually no sex in the premiere, and most of the drugs were lost. The show was full of clichés (hey, even the destroyed car bit was done in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"), and there was really little humor or emotion behind the show's glossy exterior. Or maybe I'm just too old to be doing a recap and review of a show aimed at further corrupting this new generation of MTV viewers that tune in for "Jersey Shore" and "Teen Mom" instead of for music videos and witty shows like "Daria". So kids can mindlessly watch this show full of illegal substances, but "Skins" is definitely lacking the kind of substance that would make it worth getting into.