Multiple Sclerosis and Sex: The Partner's View

When I met Jon he was the healthiest most beautiful man I'd ever seen! Wide thick shoulders, firm trim middle and a smile that lit up my whole world. I was hooked. We talked for a week or two before we ever had our first date and the main thing I noticed was his easy going nature. He never seemed to sweat the small stuff, the little issues that to most people ruin a whole day, were nothing to Jon. I was enthralled. It finally came out that he had MS, Multiple Sclerosis. In this article I'm going to stick to a few of the sexual issues I've come across with my wonderful partner because I didn't find the information I was seeking on any of the MS sites I found.

The first thing I noticed about my new lover was that he's no minute man. Oh, happy day, happy day! But as the newness of the relationship wore off and we became more comfortable the initial over whelming excitement of just seeing each other settled down, I began to notice that it seemed to be taking an exceptionally long time for him to orgasm. Almost to the point of frustration, for him. This is the point at which things in our young relationship could have started to head south. I once had a friend who almost ended a long term marriage over the exact same issue. She felt she was no longer exciting to her husband, that he was bored to the point of not being able to orgasm. Explanations from him were vague with the 'it's me not you' theme, without having the substance behind his protests to make her believe him.

Finally before the marriage actually ended he sat her down to explain that he thought the real problem was that he was masturbating too much. He could only reach orgasm when he reached that firmness and speed. Her hurt and confusion never had to take root, but for lack of communication. When Jon's orgasms became an issue he took the time to explain to me that it was part of his MS. That one of the side effects is a lack of feeling in his skin, there are times when it doesn't seem too much of an issue and other times it's just plain wretched. The fact that he didn't let any time elapse between the onset of the problem and talking to me about it was key. It's natural for the human mind to fill in the blanks when presented with a story that has holes in it. Had he let me sit and wonder why I couldn't bring him to orgasm, especially given my background, I would have assumed that I was most if not all the problem.

I bring baggage into this relationship, as does anyone whose had a previous relationship. What caused it isn't relevant to this article, what the baggage is, well, is. In my past two long term relationship, the last one hitting the 18 year mark, the sexual and intimate side of things fizzled down to nothing. No matter how hard a person tries to have a good self image, when living with another human that you are attracted to and who's suppose to be attracted to you and be turned away and shown a huge lack of interest, over the course of a few years it starts to become a sore spot. When Jon showed signs of a problem so early on I could have closed up, thrown up the emotional walls and told him he was full of crap and it was a bullshit excuse, that he just wasn't attracted to me and he might as well admit it.

After all I'd seen this before, it just happened sooner with him. But because of his total sincerity, and his willingness to, basically, stand there totally exposed, stripped of all protective layers to tell me that the problem was really his, as tender an issue as it was, he let me know, this is me. It's medical, this is what I have to deal with. Given this beautiful openness I felt compelled to reciprocate. I pushed my psycho feelings of inadequacy to the side, telling him of course that I'm not super human and on bad days will probably need extra reassurance, and we started to discuss what could be done differently to overcome the problem

We settled on trying not to focus so much on the outcome as the act itself. We started discussing Tantric sex. Started talking about doing things in a more sensual, slow manner, taking time to enjoy each feeling as it came, trying not to rush to the orgasm or make it the hi-light of the event. It was at this point that it became apparent that the brain is truly the most powerful sexual organ. Just talking about exploring new sexual practices and ways to please each other made his orgasms come easier, no pun intended. Knowing that stimulating his mind would make sex more fulfilling for him was no secret, but having someone tell you to turn them on mentally, play with them, tease them is like telling you to build a skyscraper without a blueprint! How, how do I turn on his mind? After we talked and I saw the results I realized I didn't have to be a phone sex operator, sans phone or install a stripper pole. It was as easy as just having open conversation about what would be fun for both of us. What he'd like to feel with my mouth or hands, what he'd like to try to do with me, specific desires and or direction during sex.

One of the things I noticed during one of the times that he was having difficulty reaching orgasm was that he was apologizing for it taking so long. He was actually losing his hard on because he was becoming so distraught. Now It seems that even in the best of relationships, relationships where there seems to be an above level of communication, when the topic becomes sex those same two people become a professional mime act! So I decided to bring things to a halt right then and there and address the issue. After first telling him I needed no apologies, I then explained that I really wasn't having sex with him just to reach a certain outcome in an allotted amount of time. To have my hands on him, to be able to feel him against me was a pleasure in itself. After he felt comfortable that I number one, wasn't being put out or made to feel worn out or uncomfortable and two, that I wasn't going to give up and leave him hanging, that sexual energy came rushing back and in a matter of minutes he was a happy, relaxed man. With a new found trust that his new lover wasn't afraid to say what she was really feeling.

One of the other problems related to sex with a partner with MS is spasticity. The muscles in his body spasm painfully, without warning. Mostly up his back and legs it seemed. Now as I mentioned, he is a beautiful male specimen so the following tip was no great sacrifice on my part, but a long sensual massage, using plenty of lotion or oil so as not to wear my hands out or cramp up my arms seemed to do wonders, Not necessarily right before, but on a semi regular basis to keep the knots and sore muscles down to a minimum. This did so much for us both mentally and physically. I became familiar with his body in a very intimate way and showed him that I care for the whole man, disease and all. It also gave him the idea to do something he'd never considered before and gave me my first whole body massage. The fact that we had become so open and honest with each other about the good as well as the bad made it possible for me to lay spread out naked in front of him imperfections and all and let him soothe me the way I had him.

In conclusion, it's never easy to talk openly and frankly about sex and a lot of men find it almost impossible at first, but with gentle persistence and true openness that communication can be the difference between slowly building resentment and hurt feelings in both partners and truly the best sex you'll ever have even facing challenges healthy couples don't have.