Murder Can Be Funny

Today I started going through all the articles I've written over the past 2 years and it occurred to me that I focus quite a bit on the negative side of murder and not the positive. I'm a person who always looks at the glass, not as half empty, not as half full, but can I use it as a weapon. It makes me feel better knowing that while some dumb some of a bitch is staring at the glass, I can crush his/her skull in at will. Anyway I would like to look at the positive side and effects that murder can have on a person or family (as long as you're not the victim...but maybe there is a rainbow there too).

Since I mentioned the victim, let's start with them. Yes, there are a lot of disadvantages to being dead and getting murdered can be a real drag but let's not dwell on that right now. Instead, look at the bright side of getting whacked; no more mandatory bedtimes. Whether your 6 or 60, there is always someone, somewhere telling you that you need your rest, it's time to go to bed, and you have to work in the morning or if you're in prison, its lights out and Bubba coming to pay you a visit. I don't know about you, but that sucks and I personally hate it. What goes hand in hand with that is that you don't have to worry about what time of day you have to get up. You're not going to get up anyway and if you're worried about wasting the day away...don't. YOU are the one wasting away. The box they put you in will be too big after a year or two so that's just a sorry ass waste of money but you'll have a lot more elbow room. The families of murder victims should always buy caskets 2 sizes too small for the individual and let them shrink into it. Just like when you were a kid and your parents bought you shoes that were 2 sizes too big for ya and you had to grow into them. Only seems fair. Cremation is always a wise choice since most murder victims have taken a gunshot or two to the face or head, multiple stabs wounds, been lying in the woods for weeks or set on fire and that's where viewing them would be uncomfortable for the people who have to pay for the funeral or those who attend. Closed casket funerals are also stressful because you always wonder whether the body is really in there or not. Sorry, got off the subject a little but I'm always looking for ways to save a buck.

Families benefit tremendously from having someone in their family murdered; the life insurance, the cards with money in them, time off of work with pay, the free food that all your annoying neighbors bring over that you'll probably throw out because you've seen their kitchen and wouldn't feed a maggot the shit that comes out of it. You get to ride in a fairly new limo and hopefully the fore mentioned insurance covers it. You now have a spare room for guests or family members who weren't stupid enough to go and get themselves offed . Oh, the endless possibilities you will have with that extra room. To keep the conversation light, we'll assume that the new spare room is NOT where the victim met their demise; way too much money to clean up that mess. Depending on how big your family is, the food cost savings alone will turn that frown upside-down. It's kind of ironic that all the money you have spent on food for the person in question is not going to waste because now THEY are the food. Talk about recycling...yes! Having a victim of murder in your family brings you closer together...it's a fact...look it up! Chances are you didn't really like the little asshole anyway; you loved them because you had to and you're probably not that upset that you won't have to hear their constant bitching and moaning about the most mundane things that would drive you to murder or suicide. Freedom is at hand now. You can talk bad about them all you want without fear they will walk into the room. You get to keep their car! What a plus if they just took out a loan on a brand new Jag and the bank has to pay for it. If you're living with a real asshole, encourage them to get a new car...just in case...make sure they get the ultimate package so you don't have to spend insurance money tricking it out.

We are in a tough economy and what better way to create jobs than to blow someone's fucking head off. It's been working for the mafia for years and they make HUGE bucks on contract killings. Without murder, we wouldn't have homicide detectives that fabricate evidence, overzealous prosecutors, over paid defense attorneys, CSI personnel, and all those cool crime shows like "The first 48" where you actually get to see a dead body on TV. The people that build those caskets love the overtime. This is an untapped market that needs to be exploited. Think of the thousands of dollars in tax revenue that is generated from just one murder, especially if it is a capital murder case and you can get Tru TV (formally Court TV) to cover it.I've taken a look at the most ridiculous ways to view murder and its benefits; this is a light hearted look at what some people have to hold on to after losing a loved one to homicide. There really is nothing funny about murder and I want to say that these are not my personal beliefs. It's just a way for me to KILL time.