Must Smoke Outdoors Law Goes into Effect

In what can only be described as a major victory for tobacco companies, several states have mistakenly passed new Outdoor Smoking Laws. Unlike past smoking laws that banned smoking indoors, forcing people to go outside to smoke, the new laws state that anyone going outside MUST smoke.

A spokesman for the Tobacco Industry, Mel Fedderman, said, "It was the next logical step, from forcing people outside to smoke to forcing people outside to smoke. Who figured that kind of nuance could work in our favor? I guess all those years of designing advertising for kids without seeming to finally paid off."

The Tobacco Industry also cited several other reasons why laws are going to become more prominent in the coming years. For example, it makes sure smokers get fresh air. It greatly reduces the threat of second-hand smoke. It will make companies more productive as non-smokers will be forced to stay indoors at their desks all day and work with no outside breaks. Economists note that this would be a real boon that would offset all the lost man-hours from smokers taking multiple smoking breaks throughout the workday.

Members of several anti-smoking groups could only state, "How'd that happen?" For example, Millie Bennet of Ash-kickers said, "What can I say? I thought it said 'Smokers must go outside to smoke' not 'Smokers outside must smoke.' Truth is, I'm dyslexic. My bad."

Organizations like Truthaboutsmoking.com are very concerned about the new law. Noted Truth's president, Trent Buzzwang, "I mean, like, totally, all our ads are awesome guerilla-type stunts filmed outdoors. It would totally send a mixed message if we're, like, all standing out there smoking and stuff while we film our anti-smoking movies."

However, many smokers are welcoming the new laws. Mrs. Gracie Tolloncci said, "For a long time, I felt like a social outcast, banished to Siberia. Now, I'll have lots of company. Got a light?" Many figure the new law will especially help in the colder seasons, by bringing out additional body warmth and more lighted matches and lighters which will keep smokers warmer as they huddle in doorways during the winter months to smoke. Stated one company owner, "These smokers don't care about getting sick standing outside smoking. They're risking cancer! You think a couple of sniffles are going to stop them?"

Many bars and taverns had intially fought the original smoking bans, complaining that if smokers couldn't smoke in their establishments, it would ruin their business. But as it turned out that people who like to drink are willing to go out and drink and then step outside to smoke and return inside to drink again. Hoping to ride the new law toward profits, bars and taverns are all applying for licenses to open outdoor cafes. "I took a bit of a hit with the first laws," said Steve Buckle, "but now I plan to ride this change to an early retirement."

Naturally, many non-smokers are not happy about the change in law. Said Mr. Pete Barrows, "I go outside to jog! How am I supposed to jog and smoke? And what would be the point?"

While health concerns are rampant among outdoor types, National Park officials are also concerned. Park Ranger Parker Ranger said, "Just what we need, a bunch of hikers marching and puffing their ways through the forest during the dry season. I can't wait for the forest fires."

But as Tobacco Lobbyist Mel Fedderman (from the beginning of the article) says, "Outdoors smoking is a great American right. Now everybody gets to do it!"