My 10 Funny New Year's Resolutions

I promise that I will make up twelve, very believable excuses to call in sick. When I need one, I will pick it out of a hat at random and use it.

I promise to give myself a makeover more often. I'm going to go into a different department store each time and ask for a consultant to give it her all.

I promise that I won't hang up on those poor phone solicitors. Instead, I'll try to save their souls and convert them to Scientology. Never mind that I don't belong to that organization. I'll convert them anyway.

I promise to drink less coffee before bedtime. Instead, I'll just have to drink more in the morning.

I promise to stop telling everyone on FaceBook and Twitter when I use the bathroom, or take a shower, or feed the children, or go grocery shopping, or any of the other boring things that I do that no one really wants to hear about.

I promise that I won't cry in front of a police officer to get out of a ticket. I might ask him for his phone number instead. Or, if he's really ugly, I'll tell him that I'll set him up with my sister.

I promise to make up some really funny stories for parties, even if I have to get them off of the internet.

I promise that if I get sick, I won't run the dehumidifier and the humidifier at the same time.

I promise to stop falling asleep at my daughter's winter concert, even if they are singing a lullabye song.

I promise never to make another ridiculous resolution list again.