My Adult Child Continually Asks for Adivce, What Should I Do ?

This is an issue that families respond to in many different ways, depending on their values, cultural traditions and particular circumstances. On one end of the spectrum are the parents who practice the adage, "You made your bed, now lie in it!" these parents strongly resist any attempt by their children to draw them into problems or difficulties that arise in their adult lives. These parents seem to feel they have dispensed with all of their parental obligations by guiding their children through their 18th birthday. They simply refuse to discuss problems with money, marriage or in-laws with their grown up children. In many cases, they are unwilling even to listen to what their children have to say on these topics.

At the other extreme are the parents who call their adult children daily to ask them about their bowel movements. These parents are so emotionally bound to their children that they cannot let go without suffering serious emotional trauma. This kind of parental over involvement creates profound problems of emotional adjustment for their adult children. These children remain emotionally immature, dependent on their parents and torn between anger and guilt toward their over zealous father and mother.

In between these extremes are parents who have different responses, depending on the kind of help needed. Some will offer their grown up children money whenever they ask or seem to need it, but will never discuss emotional difficulties, let alone offer support, reassurance or guidance. Still other parents are willing to become emotionally involved in their grown up children's lives, offering advice, support, encouragement and comfort but will never offer them any financial assistance, except in bona fide emergencies.

Parenthood is not something we can shut off like a water faucet when our children reach the age of maturity. As parents we, must gradually withdraw a little bit at a time while our children are growing up so that eventually they are emotionally ready for adult decisions and responsibilities. When your grown up children come to you for help, listen carefully and respectfully to their concerns. If they are emotionally troubled, do your best to provide them with non judgmental listening. Often this is all that is required. If they ask you for specific advice on a decision they are facing, make sure to ask them what they think they should do before offering any suggestions of your own. As much as possible, avoid making the decision for them. Instead, help them explore the likely outcome of each of the various options being considered. If they are still not satisfied, you may tell them what you need to do if it were your decision to make, at the same time reminding them that is not your decision to make. After all, they, not you, will experience the consequences of their decision.