My Alcoholic Self

Being an alcoholic is not easy, nor is it fun. If you're lucky, one may be able to abstain from drinking one day at a time. Its sounds like an old cliché I know, but it really is the only way to stop drinking. Drinking took me to places that I never thought I would go and if I had been sober, I never would have gone. Drinking also landed me in jail a few times, and I also have a DUI on my record. One bar I got drunk at I came to in someone else's car, which when they found me in there, they were not too happy and called the cops. None of these things I'm proud of but I'm being honest here. Before I got sick and tired of drinking and the person it was turning me into, I drank a lot. I drank every day and all day, I would wake up every morning and have to take a drink because if I didn't my whole body would shake and I felt like shit every damn morning. I had to save a couple slugs of vodka (my drink of choice) in the bottle to get me through until the liquor store opened in the morning It got to were I could not sleep a night all the way through without waking up and having to take a couple slugs of vodka just to go back to sleep. Most times, by the later part of the day, I would "black out" and have only small clips of what was going on or who I was talking to. One time I remember coming out of a black out and I was in the middle of my bed naked, and screaming at the top of my lungs like a crazy woman at my poor husband standing in the doorway looking at me. It was not but a couple days later that I went into my first rehab. I didn't get sober but it did put a dent into my drinking for awhile.

Most of my memories of drinking are pretty painful because every time I got into serious trouble, it was because of my drinking. One time I drank so much at a bar in the local mall that I fell over my own two feet and started making a big fool of myself in the middle of the mall. This of course brought the police which consisted of being surrounded by them and I started calling them every filthy name in the book. Then I took off in a stumbling run, thinking I could get away from them. I ran through JC Penney's, knocking down a perfume display and hiding out in the restroom were a female officer or two dragged me out, then I blacked out and woke up in the back of a cop car hog-tied. Oh yes, still quite belligerent and even after all of that the officers told me if I gave them my name and address they would take me home. Couldn't have any of that could I? I blacked out again and came too screaming at a locked door of a holding cell at the sheriffs department and being advised by an officer that if I did not "shut up" I would be pepper sprayed. Couldn't have any of that now could I? Oh no, the next thing I know the door opens a crack and pepper spray come through the door. The guy was a good shot too because he caught me right in the eyes and I went down like a sack of stones. I was crawling around on a dirty cell floor, my eyes burning like hell, snot running down my face, it brings to mind an image of such a lady-like position, doesn't it? That's a place I never, ever want to be in again. Evidentially, I was even checked out by a doctor when we first got to the station but I don't remember any of that. I got lucky on that one because the state charged me with all kinds of misdemeanors but dropped all of them. Even as bad as that one episode was, it did not stop me from drinking.

My thought process is so messed up when drunk. Things that sound like a good idea when drinking usually aren't and when I sobered up its hard to believe that I ever thought it was a good idea. Using the telephone when drinking is really a bad idea, however, when drunk that's one of the first things I did is pick up the phone. Calling up a long lost lover, friend, or family member and saying the things I thought they needed to hear or know and telling them what I thought about them becomes a good idea when I was drinking. There really is nothing worse than answering the phone to find a belligerent drunk slobbering on the other end. When I sobered up though, I found out I could add a few new enemies to our list. My husband was always a target too, every wrong I ever thought he did or didn't do came out and I usually let him have it with both barrels. I don't even remember half of the things I said the next day and I would be too embarrassed and ashamed to ask. I didn't want to hear how mean I was to him or anybody else, I especially didn't want to hear about what stupid things I did. And there was no way I would want anyone to know that I was in a black out and couldn't remember anything.

Alcohol is a nasty deviant that will take you down a long painful road. It will take away everything you ever loved or wanted in life and it will destroy everything you touch without blinking an eye. Anyone you love will leave you and your friends will leave you too until there is nothing left but to drink, that's the way alcoholism likes it. The real painful thing about alcoholism is that it does this slowly, very slowly and you will be awake and feeling through it all. After awhile the alcohol will fail to take away the feelings that you once wanted to drown out and you may find that you really don't even get drunk anymore. You go from drinking a drink or two and then straight into a blackout; that good feeling alcohol had once given you is gone, but you will spend years trying to get that "good buzz" back but it will never happen. Now you drink just to feel normal because you cannot function without drinking.

I'm so glad I don't have to live that way today, however it took almost five years to get one year sober. I've now got almost four years without drinking under my belt now and I never want to go back to that way of life again. I have lost a lot though. My husband of 25 years came home one day three years ago and told me he didn't love me anymore. I later found out there was someone else but I'm sure my drinking didn't help matters. I was 42 years old and found myself single for the first time in my life and things have not been easy. It has been bad at times but I did not have to drink over anything I have gone through in these last few years. My dad died this past September and it broke my heart. I now know though that drinking will only prolong painful feelings. No matter how much we drink to kill feelings, they will still be there until we deal with them, soberly.

I hope you have enjoyed my story; I have been as honest as I can without getting into too much of the gory details and I don't mean to preach. If you're struggling with your own demons of alcoholism you will need help to stop drinking. Look for your local AA chapter and check out a meeting. You will find people there who are just like you and who have gone through the same things you have. That's all for now, take care.

Peace