My Baptism

My Baptism
(June of 1998)
Previously published on my personal web site By Faith Only

Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: (Matthew 28:19 KJV)

I think the main reason for my wanting to be baptized was desperately wanting and needing a change in my life. A lot of people would say I had it very good - four healthy children, a good job, a house. But I think my oldest son put it best a year or so ago, "It's all a show and you're nothing but a fake." And he was right, I put on an act for the world to see but what was inside of me wasn't so pretty. I was bitter, lonely, and very unhappy.

So, I fixed up the house, changed my hairstyle and lost that couple extra pounds. But guess what! I still wasn't happy and couldn't figure it out. What was wrong with me?

It wasn't until after my last romantic break-up. I took a very close look at my life and myself. Even now months later I can feel his arms around me, see the sparkle in his eyes when he smiled at me. The phone rings and a part of me wishes it would be his voice on the other end of the line. I'll never forget the day we talked about the book I'm writing, the story of my life, he insisted he had to be in the book and I said I'd already planned on him being the last chapter; he was very pleased with that.

Must be a really great guy for me to feel that strongly toward him right? I suppose he was when you left out his substance abuse and the mental abuse he heaped on me. This was a man whose own mother said he was Satan himself and he took pride in the name. Where do you go after loving and being loved by Satan? I did not see anything lower so could only go up. Thinking about it now in new light and life, I know he will be the last chapter of my life, the old one.

So I dug really deep and had to admit to myself if to no one else that there was something wrong with me! Believe me it was not easy after all, for years my motto was "There's nothing wrong with me, it's the rest of the world that's messed up." I had spent most of my life hiding the truth from everyone including myself.

In addition, I was good at it. So good that my mother did not know my father had been abusing me for 10 years until I told her. So good my husband did not realize I had not left our house for three months (not even to go to the store). So good I was 36 years old before anyone but my youngest sister knew I was borderline bulimic - 5'10" and 120lbs, I ate I took a laxative. So good that until now there was only one person in the world that knew I almost killed my unborn child and me.

I was not getting very far finding out for myself what was wrong. Then one night after weeks of getting nowhere, tossing and turning in bed, a thought came to me. I remembered a similar night almost 22 years ago when a dear friend of mine told me to open the bible he had given me a few months before.

I can still hear his words, he said, "Just read it, the answers are all there." As just as I did back then I started reading. There was no rhyme or reason to what I read, I just read. After a half-hour or so I started to see what was happening, nearly everything I read said something about Baptism!

I had accepted Christ as my Savior at age 18, did not really understand it all but said all the words. Then at 22 I was going to be baptized but got side tracked and didn't follow through, only to sink deeper and deeper into a life of misery. What I read that night scared me. I'd always thought when I died I'd go to Heaven but what I was reading was saying I should be Baptized.

What if I was wrong? The words of a child came to mind a niece (15) had asked me, "Aunt Faith when the end comes am I going to see you in Heaven?" Those were the last words she spoke to me; she went to live with the Lord two months later, dying from life long medical complications.

What if I died and had not done what I was supposed to do. I have heard a million times, if there is a Heaven there must be a Hell. Well, it worked in reverse for me - I knew there was a Hell; I had been living on the edge of it for years and the thought of dying and it being my life all over scared me more than anything in my life ever had.

If you look at life like a ladder, when you are born, you are in the middle and from there you can go up or you can go down. I was on the bottom rung of my ladder and looking at a long hard climb up or just dangling on that bottom rung until it turned into eternity.

It did not hit me until five hours after my baptism that in a matter of seconds I felt I had been catapulted back up to the middle rung of my ladder. I now feel strong and ready for the rest of my climb to the top, am looking forward to all the "firsts" in my new life, and excited about sharing those firsts with my new friends.

I am sure there will be occasional setbacks but at lest up here on the top half of the ladder I have people supporting and cheering me on my climb opposed to the bottom half where I had people constantly pulling me down.

What do I think was wrong with me? I was not listening! Even though I know God was in my life I wasn't listening to what he was saying. I thank God for the friends who have stood beside me through these difficult times, for the new friends helping me on my climb, and for accepting me into his arms.

Since writing this, I have had several people tell me that baptism is not a "rebirth" but only an outward sign of our love for God. For me it was that sign that turned my life around and gave me the strength and courage to trust in the Lord. For me, it was very much like a "rebirth" because I honestly feel like a new person now.

I have also had people say baptism is not a 'requirement' of salvation. This could well be true but I personally believe that it is an important step in having a deep relationship with Christ.

"Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death? Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life."
(Romans 6:3-4 KJV)

You may also enjoy these other works:
Relationship with God part of my Christian testimony
The Poem (condensed version of my testimony)
The Lord is my Rock (video)
How to Find a Church
How to Help at Church
How to Host a Church Based Small Group Meeting
Autumn Colors and Prayer "The Lord's Prayer"...
Just Another Storm