My Biggest Secret

I am of the LDS faith and definitely have a testimony of my religion. I believe that having a parent at home throughout my life made a huge difference in my upbringing.

I have a 7 year old son and am on marriage number 2 (obviously not a Mormon poster child). By all means I consider this a permanent marriage and hope to never have to trudge down the path of divorce again. However, I am very torn and carrying a huge "secret" in my heart that regardless of my beliefs I am not, nor will I ever be a stay at home mom or perhaps bare another child.

I know that when I remarried three years ago my Mother was so hopeful in getting that granddaughter she'd been pining for all these years. My brother and sister in law also have a boy and are looking to have another child some time in the future, but I am 37 and my eggs are certainly not as fresh as they used to be. My husband is six years younger and does not have children of his own. He's a wonderful father to my son but I know that he will probably always wonder if we do not have a child and at times I feel it puts a strain on our marriage. My son's father has remarried and they are on baby #2. He's obviously not an only child in that aspect but he is with me full time and so only sees them every other weekend.

I hold other people's children, baby-sit my nephew, and find myself counting the clock until his mother can rescue me from the chaos. Crying grates my nerves like no other sound and I feel so drained from the thoughts of changing diapers and all night feedings. I think if a nanny were an option for my family I might be able to do it, but my husband feels strongly that the child should have a parent home with them to build a healthy relationship, not a care taker. I think of the movie stars adopting 3 and 4 children and I wonder how much they "really" have to do or if their own nannies step in and they only get the fun parts of parenting.

As I sit in church with my tiny little family, my full time job, three businesses, and young husband, I honestly wonder if I am too caught up in the world. I truly believe I'm a good mother... now. The infant to three years old stage was rough. It's like getting a filling. You know you need to do it, but you're so happy when it's over and just not sure if you can do it again without a lot of laughing gas.

Tonight I attended a women's dinner for church and sat at a table with a Mom of five that just popped out another child naturally. I almost died when she told me her labor was only four hours start to finish. I never even experienced a labor pain. I ordered up my c-section and called it a day. I sat at little league practice today with a friend from high school who has a son my age on the team. She is a single Mom and has been since he was born. We talked about this today and she agreed. The older they get, the harder to consider starting over. I told her that I think my Mom's theory isn't so true anymore. My son will be eight this year and a new child will be like having two only children as they are so far apart.

So I will continue to waffle with guilt in my secret. I'm not the perfect stay at home mom; I'm not even the perfect mom. I'll continue to have a career and influence my son and other children that I teach at church to decide for themselves on the size of family that is right for them and do the best they can to live Christ's teachings. I realize there is no quota on children but I do feel out of place at times because I don't "love" staying home and raising my child. I love the moment I drop him off at school and I especially love the weekends at Daddy's when my husband and I actually get some alone time. I've explained to him a million times that those days will be completely over if we have a child of our own. I've basically told him my eggs are cooked after 40 and I won't try at that point. I realize that being older and having children is actually an "in" thing these days, but I'm just not sure if that's for me.

I'm sure the fact I suffered post partum when I had my child has also scared me off a bit. I remember just wishing I could put him back inside me and that he would stop that excessive crying. The breast feeding Nazi's would visit my home and try to help out but honestly once I kicked them out and switched to a bottle those depressing feelings started to go away. My ex has the wife he always wanted now. She makes all of his meals, cooks and cleans, and is having the brood of children I never wanted.

I have a feeling there are others who share my same secret and feel lost in the Sunday lessons of homemaking as I do. I could honestly see my husband staying home to raise the family while I am the breadwinner. I'm not sure he could handle it, but I'm pretty sure I could. Working for a large corporation I am seeing it more and more. Some things would have to go. For starters our beach house, extra projects, and my new car. I'm just not ready to go there, so for now I'll keep taking my birth control pill.