My Biggest Secret

Cutting, or self-mutilation, is a very common practice that most people don't understand. It is a deliberate injury inflicted by a person upon his or her own body. A common misconception is that the person doing the injuring is seeking attention. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most self-injurers will go to great lengths to hide their cuts or injuries from others. This is my biggest secret.

I'm only focusing on the cutting aspect of this today although there is many other ways self-injurers will harm themselves such as hitting, burning, etc.

Most cutters use this form of pain to take away the mental anguish and pain that they are feeling. Sometimes it's used just to "feel" alive when everything is numb. They trick the mind into believing at the time that the pain they are feeling is physical, rather than emotional. A person can be detached from their feelings or overwhelmed by them. The pain they inflict is a rush that comes from beta-endorphins released in the brain. These are the same chemicals responsible for a runner's high. These act to reduce tension and emotional distress and can lead to the person feeling calm and serene. Another source of cutting is self-loathing.

The urge to cut can be triggered by strong feelings the person can't express outwardly such as anger, frustration, hurt or shame. The cutting is an outlet that others often can't understand. Some even have been abused or experienced some sort of trauma that leads to this occurrence.

The most common misconception is that the person is trying to commit suicide. Cutting is an attempt to make yourself feel better, not ending your life.

Unfortunately, cutting can become a compulsive behavior. The more a person does it, the more they crave doing it. The brain starts to connect the false sense of relief from bad feelings to the act of cutting or self-injury. It's almost like an addiction that you can't control. Many people who no longer self-mutilate still have that desire to do so, especially in times of crisis.

I started cutting as a teenager and never stopped. I don't do it as often and I do know it's a problem but people don't understand that it makes me feel better. It's an outlet that gives me pleasure that most can't comprehend. For years I never knew that there were others out there that did this as well. In fact, only after the Internet did I realize how widespread this phenomenon is. It's a taboo that most people can't share with others without feeling the stigma of being different or strange.

There's also the problem of telling others about it. You really find out whom you can depend on once you share this problem. I don't share it with most people because they simply can't understand it unless they too, self-injure. I have been accused of seeking attention or trying to be "cool" when nothing could be further from the truth.

My main form of self-injury is cutting although when I was in high school, I did once burn my arm very badly by dropping an iron on it. To most, this sounds incredulous and stupid. At the time, you can't imagine how much better it made me feel. Mostly, I liked using a razor blade. I'd make cuts along my arms and then tell people it was scratches from a cat or a rosebush. People believed me too. Perhaps they didn't want to know the truth or couldn't handle believing that someone could do that to myself.

There are many triggers out there that can make people want to harm themselves. Sometimes all it can take is reading about cutting or hearing about it. The funny thing is that I can see other cutters and tell by the scars they have. I honestly wear my scars with pride. It's a part of me I can't change and to be honest, I wouldn't change. Those scars represent who I am and what I've become. Every mark tells a story from my past and a healing that came out of it.

If you are cutting and want to stop, there are places to get help. There are places on the Internet that you can go to for chat rooms, message boards and information. Be warned though, these places can "trigger" a session just by reading about it and most places will caution you of that. The most important thing is to realize you're not alone, you're not mentally ill and you don't have to explain yourself to others. I used to try but I've come to the realization that it's my body and as long as I don't go too far, what's the harm? This is in no way condoning doing this; it's just a personal choice for me that helps me deal with pain and until now, my biggest secret.