My Biggest Secret

Some secrets are minor, inconsequential things, their importance passing when the secret is revealed. Birthday presents are such secrets; keeping the secret seems the most difficult thing n the world, but then it's shared and everyone is generally happy.

But there are secrets that are so big that they may change the life of the keeper, their family, and their friends. I have one of those secrets. O perhaps I should say I had one of those secrets. It was a secret I kept from myself, though I suspect that my husband knew long before I was willing to admit it to myself. He caught my eyes wandering when we were walking through the store, or at the beach.

I have confronted this secret in myself, and my husband and I are coming to terms with it together, but because my family is so conservative, we have chosen not to share my secret with them. When my cousin came out, no one in my family spoke to her for years.

Yes, I said "came out." I am a lesbian, but am still married to a man.

We were married in 2001 after a very short engagement. I self-identified as bisexual, and he knew, and was okay with, that. To be honest, I think it turned him on to be with a woman who liked other women. I think that perhaps he also hoped to have a fantasy or two fulfilled by marrying a bi- woman.

Over the first two years of our marriage, I slowly came to terms with the fact that I was not attracted to men, and never really had been. The attraction that I felt for my husband, if it could be called that, was not physical, but was instead based on something else. There was love there and friendship as well. But I wanted something completely different.

We have been through a lot of things together, both good and bad. After over five years of marriage, I am able to admit to myself that I am a lesbian. My husband and I are still working through this. I do love him, but we don't know what this means for us as a couple. It's something that we will figure out together.

I have been with two women since our marriage began. One was a very brief fling. My husband, of course, knew about it. We have agreed to tell one another everything, and have agreed to an open marriage. The other occurred during a brief period in which we tried a triadic polyamorous relationship. It ended badly; jealousies occurred on all parts. I'm not currently looking for another relationship with a woman, but am not adverse to the idea either. I figure that if it's going to happen, it will. I have too many other things going on in my life to actively seek another relationship.

So now you all know my biggest secret. And it actually does feel a bit better to tell it. So what's your secret?