My Biggest Secret

This is BAD, really B-A-D! PROMISE me you won't tell a soul about this...

I needed to make some extra cash for a repair project, and searched online to find something to do at home that paid more than a few cents an hour. I looked through all kinds of sites, many promising big money, but most sounded like scams.

Then an ad caught my eye. It was phone work--what I was looking for--and the $25.00+ an hour REALLY attracted my attention. I filled out the online form and applied. The company shot back an email with an attachment containing information on the position. I read through the documents, entered what was required, and electronically signed the contract. I would do almost anything for $25.00+ an hour!

Moments later, my you've got mail notification was blinking again and I found another email in my box from them. The subject field said, "CONGRATULATIONS..." Great! I'd landed the job. Dollar signs flickered across my mind...

Another file was attached so I opened it to read through all the regulations, terms, payment policies, etc.

Well, I guess I can do almost anything for $25.00+ an hour....but 'Phone Actress'...It didn't say exactly what they wanted me to do, but I had a pretty good idea...ICK! But still...$25.00+ an hour...I wouldn't have to do it for very long....maybe just one or two 'shifts'. Hummmm...DOUBLE ICK!!!

You need to understand that even though I KNOW about most things, I haven't DONE many of those things! I am pretty shy. I'm sort of...well...never mind. That really isn't important here... Anyway, I don't even like to TALK about sex very much! My knowledge is purely from reading and medical experience (I'm a nurse). I've seen most everything and, like I said, I know about most everything. But, could I really carry this off...We'll see...

I re-read the paperwork and decided to give it a try! I really didn't have much to lose. I could remain anonymous, pretend to be anyone I wanted, and I knew I would NEVER tell anyone about it, and I REALLY NEEDED some extra money.

The first step, the paperwork said, was to chose a name. Well, of course, only one name came to mind: Lolita! Yes, I could be Lolita. Next, I was to make an enticing-sounding greeting tape. Something the 'client' could listen to, among several others, and make a choice of who he wanted to talk to. OK. I have a great imagination, and, I must say, my voice does sound like I'm much younger than I really am. Sometimes solicitors still ask for my mother or father when they call...and this is true, really!

Next, I started writing my introductory greeting, then practiced saying it a few times in my most sexy-sounding voice. When I was sure I could do it without stuttering, I called the listed number and recorded my greeting. When I replayed it, I was pleased with how it sounded. I just KNEW I could get clients! The next step was to sign up for a few shifts. The possibilities were endless. Day or night, twenty-four, seven. I picked 11:00 pm to 2:00 am because I knew I would be alone then. No one could overhear my conversations.

I was ready to start right away. The sooner I started, the sooner I could quit!

11:00 pm finally arrived. The plan, the paperwork said, was that I would receive a phone call from the company's transfer receptionist with a 'whispered message' about what the client wanted to talk about. That sound pretty straight forward...I was ready...

In just a few minutes, my phone rang. I jumped! I guess I was more nervous than I realized. The whispered message said something that sounded like 'straight up sex'--whatever that was. I decided to just let the client take the lead. The young man who said his name was Rick sounded OK, actually kind of nice. I pictured my grown son. NO, THAT WON'T WORK! DON'T PICTURE THAT!I chided myself!

The young man said something about me sounding older. Oh, no, can he tell! Then I calmly answered, again with my sexiest voice, "Oh, maybe a little older than some of the other girls, but that just means I'm VERY experienced!" That seemed to satisfied him. The call progressed quickly. I really didn't have to say a whole lot. Finally the call was over and my client hung up quickly. THANK GOD! Well, that really wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be!. I felt a tiny bit better.

The paperwork had warned to hang up if the client slipped through the screening receptionist and sounded younger than 18 to me. The next caller sounded way too young, so I hung up before he could say too much. About 10 minutes later, the third call came in with the same whispered instructions as the first one. I felt confident I could handle a similar call. I soon found out I was wrong...VERY wrong...this guy was awful! What terrible language...how rude...WHAT!...How dare you ask me that! Presently, he hung up. I felt TOTALLY DIRTY, SCUMMY, SLIMMY, SLEAZY...UGH!

I unplugged my phone. I'd had enough! I am NOT cut out for this work. Who am I kidding! After I calmed down a bit, I went to sleep, still feeling terribly creepy. The next morning, I erased 'Lolita's' greeting and sent the company an email resigning from my short-lived phone actress career. I never heard a word from them again. I imagine they have quite a turn-over!

It took me a few days to get over feeling like a sordid woman. I kept telling myself, Just be thankful that no one else knows anything about this, You'll be OK again soon. After about a week I was laughing (to myself) about my experience. What made me feel better was thinking:

If those guys only knew who they had been talking to, they'd die! THIS 63 YEAR OLD GRANDMA REALLY DID HAVE THE LAST LAUGH!