My Biggest Secret

The word "secret" goes hand in hand with the word "shame", so secrets aren't something I keep anymore. I've come to a point in life where I am no longer ashamed of who I am, what I believe in, and the experiences I've had.

I kept many secrets for many years. Friends, family and society have always dictated the things that I would choose to share about myself with the world. There are certain issues that "you just don't talk about", so I kept quiet. The fear of being misunderstood or judged was foremost in my mind as I kept a very private diary of my innermost thoughts and feelings. The diary was kept locked away in the bottom of my closet for years, starting at the age of seven, and grew to be over ten books long. My diary was my outlet for all my secrets so that I could present myself to the world in a manner that was acceptable, or even perfect. I was always doing very well (seemingly), I avoided confrontation, and I molded my exterior self into a person I thought everyone would like and admire.

After I graduated from college and started to make an adult life for myself, I encountered some struggles. Without the structure of high school or college, I wasn't quite sure how to be perfect anymore. The path was no longer defined for me, and I had to build my own career, social life, and hobbies. Since there was no one "right" way to be an adult, I had to figure out who I really was and what worked best for me.

I easily fell into an eating disorder at this point of my life without even realizing it. Losing weight and getting in shape are very respected pursuits in our society, so I clung to an obsession with fitness to preserve my "perfect" identity to the outside world. There wasn't much going on inside of me at this time. The eating disorder wasn't exactly a secret because I, myself, wasn't aware of how carried away I was getting with my diet and exercise. The real secrets were this feelings I was trying to cover up by focusing so heavily on fitness.

Eventually, my weight got to a point that was so low, I could no longer deny to myself that I had an eating disorder. Along with this realization came acknowledgment that perhaps I should take a closer look at myself. Were my problems and secrets really so awful that I had to shove them under the rug by obsessing over my weight? What was so horrible about me that I couldn't be honest and open about my true self?

The epiphany I had at this moment changed my entire perspective. Instead of always trying to do the "right" thing, or the socially acceptable thing, I would simply be honest with myself and others. Many times, honesty meant seeing the parts of myself that I was ashamed of, so I had to learn to overcome that shame. I started to take an honest look at my diaries, secrets and innermost thoughts from a more objective standpoint.

I wasn't perfect. I had journal after journal of pages full of private thoughts and feelings that I wouldn't dare share with anyone-- not even my closest friends. These were my secrets.

I express myself best through writing. When I write a letter or an e-mail to someone, there is much less chance of my message being misunderstood than if I were to have a conversation with that person. Furthermore, writing is a much less confrontational way of addressing issues. An immediate response isn't required, and people have more time to really think about what they want to communicate.

I now keep a private blog, and I have given my friends access to it. At times, the blog can be extremely personal. I share secrets that I would have previously only written in my diary. I am surprisingly comfortable with the openness of my blog, now that I have accepted my true self. It's more important that I express myself than that I win the approval of my friends. I am not forcing anyone to read my blog or comment on it. Instead of making someone feel uncomfortable by brining up a "taboo" subject in a conversation (which they might not know how to respond to), people can decide whether or not they want to read my blog entries.

I am not the only person who has discovered how liberating blogging can be. Blogging is rapidly increasing in popularity and more and more people are chronicling their life events and feelings in their blogs. People are often made to feel ashamed of certain issues, struggles, or feelings they have because they aren't accepted or considered "normal" by society's standards. Everyone has things in their life that society might not approve of, but that doesn't mean there is any reason to feel ashamed.

People benefit from being open and honest about who they are. Others might look down on their candor and find it inappropriate, but there is no reason to keep silent because of others' opinions. Blogging is certainly changing how people communicate and express themselves. Even for people who don't like writing, blogging can be an outlet for feelings and thoughts that they don't feel comfortable saying in conversation.

I don't keep secrets because I am not ashamed of who I am. My blog is extremely open and honest, and I've even had people lecture me for revealing personal details of my life "on the Internet" (even though the blog is private). What I do think is shameful is that anyone would judge me for not keeping quiet about my thoughts and feelings.

We've all made mistakes, and hopefully we've learned from them. Moving beyond the secrets, beyond the shame-- that's how we find truth and learn to love ourselves.