My Biggest Secret: I'm Looking Forward to Hell

My biggest secret is I keep trying to figure out what hell will be like.

With so many different religions telling me I'm going to hell because I refuse to join I've assumed I'm going to spend eternity in hell anyways.

Religion is a horrid thing. It's caused millions and millions of deaths. It spawned the crusades, it spawned the Inquisition. It expended hundreds of Native Americans' lives to build the California missions.

When Catholicism expanded around the globe, it rivaled the British belief in colonialism. Join our belief in god and you'll have salvation. You'll live in eternity with angels, all the great things you've ever wanted and desired.

It spurs the Muslim religion to kill non-believers, to wage war on Christians, to back jihads. The twin towers crumbled because of religion.
In the name of the lord, thousands of people have been molested, raped and murdered.

When you go to heaven, the experience is supposedly perfect. Whether you're granted virgins to do with what you will (muslims) or live in a state of bliss (christianity), though the two don't sound different, heaven is 'perfect.'

It's also boring.

I want some excitement. I want to not know what's coming the next day. I want to wander through the valley of darkness and fear the evil that will descend upon me.

I don't want every day to be perfect. That's not bliss, that's boredom, that's conventional, that's torture.

I'm looking forward to hell.

I'm looking forward to spending eternity with friends.

I know too many people, too many acquaintances and family members, who will be shipped to hell because they don't believe in religion or don't belong to a church, that I'd rather see them than not.

I've often said, if I'm allowed one meal in hell, one thing to eat for eternity, I hope it's chips and salsa.

I know with hell there will be a catch. The chips will be over-fried and the salsa will be so damn hot (no pun intended) I crap fire for eternity, but I'll like it. I won't be bored with it. I'll try and figure out the proper balance between filling me up and not burning my bowels too much.

My time on Earth is too precious to worry about the afterlife. And it's much too precious to worry about going to a place that's more boring than Palmdale, CA on a hot summer day. (If you don't get that reference ask someone from the Antelope Valley. They'll back it up.)

Sure, hell is torture. You get poked and prodded. According to Sartre, you're stuck in a room with two beings of the opposite sex, yet you can't get laid because one's gay and the other isn't sure.

Maybe there is no chips and salsa (god forbid, pun intended). Maybe there's no food. Maybe there is no nothing. Maybe you're sent back to Earth (what I'd want the most). And maybe there is no heaven.

I've often contemplated where I'll be after my body is laid to rest. When the time comes, I don't want to be in a perfect place. I want to be kept guessing.

I want to enjoy the afterlife. I want to enjoy eternity. I want to not be bored.

My secret may be I'd rather be in hell. But to those who exist in the hereafter, it's no secret at all.