My Biggest Secret: Not so Innocent

When I first sat down to write about my biggest secret, I ran through all the things I could possibly write about. Cussing on Sundays, talking trash about my girlfriends, taking the largest piece of whatever I was making for dinner for myself and my live-in boyfriend. But then I realized that those are secrets alot of people confess, and in order to capture the attention of you, dear reader, I will need to dig a bit deeper. Go into that dark room in my heart where nobody else has been. Open that old closet on the far wall, and reach up onto the highest shelf. Mind you its dusty back there, and you of the vertically challenged nation might need a step stool to get at what I've been hiding for 18 years. Don't judge me, just sit back and see what unfolds.

The first time I did it, I was 4 yrs old. I didn't know any better, and didn't know it was bad. It just was fun. I have no idea where I learned to do it, but you psychologists out there can fill me in. I even tried to get my friends in my kindergarten class to do it! I told them it was fun and that it felt good! How embarrassing... now that I think back. Oh my, I hope those people cannot bring up that memory anymore haha. I believe it was my kindergarten teacher who first told me not to do it anymore. I remember asking "Why?" and continuing to do it even though she threatened detention. Maybe it was her who told my mom I was doing it, or maybe my mom caught me in the act, I can't remember. But my mom knew, and she was embarrassed. She told me to never do it again. Again, I asked "Why?" She explained that I couldn't do it in public. "Not even at Grandma's house??" I implored. "NO! NOWHERE!" she stormed out of my room. I was a distraught child after that, doing it in secret, where no one could condemn me.

Years later in middle school, I kept doing it, in secret of course, because those were the years when you didn't trust anybody. I did it in my room, with the doors locked, with hardly any privacy because my brothers were in the room next to me on one side (with a bathroom joining our rooms) and the living room was on the other side. Still I found time for my secret, because it was a wonderful release. Knowing that I was doing something bad, I think, was part of the fun. Knowing that I could get caught was part of the thrill as well, as it is with most "bad" things.

Later when I became a teenager, I had reason for my secret even more. I felt alienated and didn't fit in anywhere with the new high school crowd. I did my secret in private and it was like a friend to me. And later when I got a job staying with a bed-fast woman at night, I did my secret in the guest room. There I could do it as many times as I wanted to, without ever worrying about getting caught. It was great. Whole hours would go by doing my secret and I wouldn't even care. Homework got neglected a few times, that's for sure.

Now I'm 22, and I continue to do my secret. I do it when my boyfriend leaves town for the weekend. I do it when I'm bored, I do it when I'm happy or when I'm sad. I don't think I will ever stop doing my secret because it's so much a part of who I am. It makes me happy when other things don't. It is the one thing that I can do without anyone else. I don't have to make plans to do my secret. It just finds me when I need to do it. You and I, we might share this secret, but I wonder if you have such a past with it as I do. It is possible that you do and you will know exactly what my secret is. If you don't, then I suggest you find your own secret, something that nobody else knows, and something that makes you happy when you're sad, laugh when you're crying.

I like my secret, like it so much in fact, that I can't bring myself to tell you, dear reader, what it is-even at the end. I do apologize, I know this entry probably won't win the contest of biggest secrets since I haven't revealed what mine is, but I believe that some of you out there share it with me. And if I reveal my secret, I'll reveal yours... and that is not something I can bring myself to do.