My Biggest Secret: A Shameful Confession

Psst - hey buddy. Come sit with me for a minute, please. I've got a huge secret, and I think it's time I told someone. I don't feel like I can keep it hidden any longer. Let me tell you about it; maybe you can help me decide what to do. A stranger's unbiased take on the situation would really help me.

The whole thing started one lovely spring a few years ago, now. The first time, I didn't really mean to do it. It was a sort of accident. The kids came up with the idea and I agreed, just to humor them. As it happened, I liked it, even though it was a little embarrassing. I've always been a cultured, sophisticated person. This was pretty out there, especially for me. But it was a lark, something that would happen once, so I went with it.

The next time, I did it on purpose. I just wanted to see if it gave me the same little rush, the same frisson as I remembered. I made it look like an accident, though, all awkward and unexpected, just in case someone saw me. I don't think anyone noticed. Certainly no one ever said anything about it. But then, what would they say? It was hardly expected behavior from me. I dared to hope that people would assume it wasn't actually me doing it, as though it were just happening on its own somehow.

Pretty soon, I was sneaking out to the back yard when I got home from work. I installed flood lights back there so that I could get out after dinner for a while. I moved to the edge of town so that I would have more room and it would be less likely that someone would see me. I began spending whole weekends out there and let me tell you, I've got the weird tan lines to prove it!

I started wearing disguises, with floppy hats and big sunglasses, just to buy things at the store - the one in the next town over, of course. I needed the supplies to support my habit but I didn't think I could take being recognized while buying them. I just felt so dirty. And look what it's done to my nails. I even bought a station wagon so that there would be enough room in the back for all of the things I had to have to support my secret.

This has been going on for a few years now, and don't think I'll be able to hide it much longer. I thought that I could control it, but it's grown completely beyond what I had intended. It was supposed to be a little hobby, slightly shameful perhaps, but one that no one would ever find out about. Now my poor husband and children are starting to do it, too, and the neighbors must know. Our fence can only hide so much, especially at those heights. They can probably smell what we're doing, too.

Do you think I should just come clean? Maybe it's not as strange as I think. Would you at least take some of the evidence with you? I'm having a tough time getting rid of it all at home and my co-workers are starting to doubt my stories about the farmers' market. C'mon, just take a few ears of corn. Everybody loves sweet corn. And some carrots. Maybe an eggplant?

Hey, don't run off so fast! Where are you going? You haven't even seen my zucchini!