My Birth Daughter's Annual Birthday Letter

Dear McKenna:

Nine years have crept by and at the same time some would say it all has flown so fast like a speeding train from the moment I wrote your first birthday letter till now.

And here we are as you approach your ninth birthday on Aug. 15 and yet I still can recall your ruffled pink self in my arms wearing that dress that made one of the Gladney caseworkers say, "Oh my Gawd!"

Recently I got the gift of a lifetime when your adoptive mom invited me to your house for the first time at the spur of the moment when the place we were going to meet had a roof leak. Being invited to your home was something I'd dreamed about, hoped for, and fantasized about ever since the day you were born and I said goodbye to you in the park, but it was something I never thought would happen. My friends told me so, too.

To be in your home where you live with your family and to see how you live and how you are was a gift that I cannot adequately put into words as to how much it meant to my heart, mind, and spirit. You have such a different life than I had as a child and I have tears of gratitude for that. My heart is happy for you and all that you are and will become I am sure.

Every year when I sit down to write your birthday letter I want to write something inspirational, I pray for the right words, the right thoughts that will seriously and appropriately convey what it is I am wishing and hoping for you, while at the same time wanting so much to be able to reach in and touch your heart and hope that you hear me and know how much I love you.

I know I am one of the lucky ones, that is to say a birth mom who gets to see her birth daughter on a regular basis. I know this and I thank God for this daily.

I can't imagine my life without you now. It seems before I was just lost.

When I am with you it is if my spirit flies and is light with possibility. There is no sadness, no depression, no negativity when you are in my presence because what you bring to my life cannot be bought or sold. You are such a special spirit and it is so great to hear your voice, laughter, and see your life unfolding before my eyes.

It is as if a picture that I have in my bedroom of the two of us has been freeze-framed in my mind and soul and comes to life during our visits. I don't know if you know what I mean or will know what I mean but perhaps when you have a child of your own, you will see.

I never knew how much joy my own child could bring into my life. I never knew this until I held you for the first time and I marveled at the existence of you. Because of you I feel I have a purpose. Although I always thought my only goal was to be a writer now I realize that I have an additional purpose in life and that is to be there for you.

I see so many things in you - the childhood personality of one of my nieces, Jessica, who's a mom now herself; the creativeness of one of my sisters, Cindy; the intelligence of some relatives, and, most of all, a spirituality that makes me wonder how anyone could ever doubt the existence of God.

So, this was a "heavy" letter but rest assured it is not one filled with uncertainty or doubt because I know you are where you are supposed to be and that a higher power has a hand in everything, especially your life.

I love you and Happy Birthday.

Love,

Terri