My Country Tis of Thee: Insights and Observations of American Culture

Washington recently released a statement saying it would allow more Iraqi immigrants to enter the United States. I, as a 38 year citizen of America, offer the following insights and observations to my new guests and potential countrymen.

Just because you are new to America doesn't mean you have to accept advice about how to raise your children, grow your garden or get to the shore without hitting traffic. In America we do things our way. Never be afraid to tell some helpful neighbor to mind his or her own f_ _ _ing business.

Forget what anyone tells you. If you are drunk it is perfectly acceptable to call a cop an idiot at 2am. Just be prepared to call a bail bondsman at 3am.

The reason professional athletes make millions and educators make less than some secretaries could have something to do with the number of $200 official jerseys American parents purchase with a teacher's name on the back. If you end up with a job in IT don't waste your time explaining to anyone over 60 how their wireless router works. Just fix it and go to the next job. Americans, particularly older Americans, don't care much about how technology works, just that it works.

Don't be caught off guard when in Hollywood. That is not a well dressed chicken getting out of that limo. That is Nicole Richie or possibly Paris Hilton. The best thing to do is just smile and try to avoid being thrown up on.

No, it isn't just you Dick Cheney is the Devil.

The season tickets you are being offered only cost $200.00 because the Raiders are the biggest failed experiment since the one you just left.

It is perfectly acceptable to say that you no longer watch ABC's The View. You needn't give any reason why.

Americans are extremely serious about "poverty"; however they are more serious about "porn". You don't have to agree with me. Just do a Google search for each and get back to me, but not between the hours of 3 and 4am

We aren't sure but Paula Abdul may be on something.

Much like in Iraq it is inappropriate to have a conversation or glance left or right in a public bathroom while using a urinal. The only exception to this rule is if you have pre-negotiated such behavior and you are in a public urinal in a train or bus station.

While dining at Applebee's, TGIF Friday's, Ruby Tuesday's or Chevy's should the waiter specifically tell you that you won't like something on the menu, trust him. While dining at a restaurant where the lowest priced appetizer is over $20.00, don't trust him. He can't afford to have ever eaten there.

American is a dog eats dog kind of country. Trust but verify.

If you need to break an American woman's heart, do it as quickly, hatefully and painfully as possible. This will ensure that you won't have to hear, "But I love you."

If you need to break an American man's heart do so gradually until he has allowed himself the illusion of thinking that he eventually tired of you. This will ensure you won't need a restraining order.

If you are a gay man or woman it is best to simple lie and say you have decide to go hetero. You won't be believed, but this is the highest insult to a gay person and has the same effect as either of the straight scenarios suggested above.

Unless your name is Trump, Gates, Tiger or Oprah chances are you will spend most of your life and die with a Success-to-Failure-Ratio that is unsatisfying.

Make may no mistake about it, taking home a bottle of wine you bring to a dinner party (opened or not) is always tacky.

The funniest jokes involved Jews, Gays, Handicapped Children and the Catholic Church. They are also the jokes that you can only tell when with your four closest friends and have no political aspirations whatsoever.

It is no surprise that America is run by big corporations at the expense of the common good of her citizens. In 1606, King James I granted a charter to a group of London entrepreneurs, the Virginia Company, to establish a satellite English settlement in the Chesapeake region of North America (Jamestown). So basically America was a company over170 years before it was a country.

You should never, under any circumstance, run to catch a bus, train or subway. If you make it, you will arrive early or onetime to a place (usually work) that you would rather not be and thus spend more time there. If you miss it you look like an idiot.

Don't get caught up in the whole "40 is the new 20" hype. I mean is 20 the new 10? It is just plain stupid.

If you are going to go the trouble of holding a door for a pretty women at least introduce yourself.

Moving out on your own doesn't make you an adult. You are an adult when on Sunday you have enough food in your refrigerator, gas in your car and clean clothes to last until Friday.

Americans are by nature flirtations. Most times it means nothing. If you are in a committed relationship based in love, trust and respect then short of catching your partner holding someone else's genitalia you should just get over it.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk, drunk friends do however occasionally let friends go home with chicken heads rats and busters.

If you don't have a cell phone you won't get laid. I don't like it either, but it is what it is.

You won't impress anyone in this country with how many American Presidents you can name. If however you can name at least 3 or 4 former WWF Champions you will be a hit in more social circles than you might imagine.

There was a time when the American dream involved saving enough money to buy your own home. Now, for many, the American dream involves saving enough money to avoid losing your home to foreclosure.

If you are ever given the choice between a million dollars and a first-rate education, take the money. There are a lot of people with a first rate education playing the lottery.

Never do anything in America in public that you don't want broadcasts on YouTube.

t may seem confusing but in America fast food workers always great you, welcome you to their restaurant and offer to take your order while the previous customer is still gathering his or her change. Some grow out of it, some become managers.

There are a growing number of organizations you can join in America that support both the rights of the unborn and the death penalty.

Despite what you hear on the radio "Nigger", like "Towel Head", is still a no-no. However, if you can find a way to sell records, you may be able to market "Towel Head" as well as some have marketed "Nigger."

Yes, Deal or No Deal is Annoying.

Stay tuned...