My Cup is Half Full- but Can I Drink It?

Seventy-five percent of the Earth's surface is water. According to
the latest research approximately zero percent of it is safe to
drink. It was not always this way. Remember when we were kids and we
used to eat snow and suck on the icicles that hung off of the roof?
We filled up our squirt guns from the garden hose and squirted each
other in the ear. In the recklessness of youth we even drank water
directly from the kitchen faucet. It was so good you could almost see
through it. Of course we were sick a lot, now that I think about it.
What makes tap water so dangerous? Oh, many, many things. Here is a
short list:
1: Parasites! Once believed to be people from Paris, we now know that
parasites are actually teeny tiny animals living in the water. This
is not just bad news for vegetarians. Once we have swallowed whole
parasites they continue to live like animals inside of us, chasing
each other around, marking their territories, fighting and breeding.
2: Chemicals! Tap water is just chock full of chemicals. One bad one
is chlorine. You remember chlorine. They put it in swimming pools
because of what little kids do in swimming pools. Is that the same
reason that they put it in tap water?
3: Minerals! These are tiny rocks inside the water. After drinking
tap water for an extended time these rocks build up inside of you and
make you heavier than you should be. Losing weight can be very
difficult afterwards which is why they call it 'hard' water. Sure,
there are some good minerals, like gold or coal, but they do not
belong inside your body.
4: Your pipes! Tap water comes into your house through pipes. These
are usually underground. All sorts of filth is found underground.
Here is an intriguing thought; the letters in the word 'pipes' can be
rearranged to spell 'pepsi'. Doesn't that sound like a safer drink
alternative?
As you can see from my scientific explanations, the water from your
kitchen tap is no good. Lately there has also been an increasing back-
wash against bottled water. One wonderful day in the future we will
all be using our cell phones to download synthetic water from
cyberspace. Until then you might try one of these options:
A: Reverse osmosis water. Regular osmosis is the process snakes and
lizards use to take water into their bodies. Reverse osmosis is water
that came out of a snake or a lizard.
B: Distilled water. My personal favorite. Any process that works so
well on potato mash whiskey is bound to do a bang-up job on a glass
of water.
C: Boiling. Boil your water for a good long time. Less than 15
minutes will only make the parasites angry, and what you want instead
is a glass full of dead parasites. A word of caution about boiled
water though; let it cool before you try to drink it.