My Dad

As a child life was rough at times. My father was an alcoholic and back in the fifties and sixties it was just not a big deal. At least to me it seemed like it wasn't to others...

My dad was a good guy when he was sober but when he'd drink life was totally different. He was very mean and abusive. I actually thought that life was normally that way. Just seemed we could not do anything right. I loved my father but actually wished he'd go away. Being in the service that occasionally happened for a year or six months at a time.

My father was in Thailand for a year and at sixteen I, along with my younger brother and sister had decided we would not allow this abuse when he came home. At 2:00 in the morning when he'd wake us up while yelling at my mother and threatening her we'd get up and go stand between him. It surprised him and he'd tell us to move which we would not. Then he would shove us but not hit us. It was different when we stood up to him and defended our mother and ourselves. Soon after he moved out and we did not see him for years.

This might be hard to believe but I missed my father so much at times. I had made my mind up that I was better off without him because he had a disease yet no will to fight it. I tried to understand and I hurt deeply at times. Because of my childhood I had a lot of issues to deal with and with a lot of counseling I learned to handle them and move on. I did not want to spend my life as a victim. I went through a divorce myself and raised two children on my own. It was tough but my children both turned out pretty good. They've done well for themselves and have beautiful families.

Somewhere in the middle of all this I lost my mother to cancer at 48. As she laid dying her biggest worry was about the three of us dealing with it and being ok. That was the strongest I ever had to act so my mother would not worry. She had worked so hard to raise us and then her life was cut short when she finally had time for herself..

After the loss of my mother I missed having a parent more than anything. I wondered about my father and if he was still alive. I started writing letters to the Air Force but never heard anything. About a year later I received a letter from my father. They had forwarded my letters to him.

I called and there was a silence when he was told my mother had died. I never realized until later but he still loved her. He still drank and we'd bicker and not speak for awhile. Then we'd talk and go through it all again. He almost died from the drinking. When I spoke to his doctors they told me he had over 60% liver damage and if he'd continue drinking he'd soon die. I asked him what he was going to do. He told me he did not know. Angry, I told him I had watched my mother die and want to live but if he was going to kill himself I wanted nothing to do with him.

To my surprise he quit. I honestly thought that was the end of the relationship. I felt a great breakthrough. He went to AA and counseling. He just totally shocked me.

Unfortunately his sober life made him remember the past and what he did. He'd bring it up and try to defend himself but my memory was too good. I'd get angry and we'd argue. It took a couple years but we finally decided we had to put the past aside and move on. If we'd bring up the past it only caused fighting.

So was the beginning of a relationship with my father. He had bought himself a little house which was his pride and joy. He fixed it up and bought a nice vehicle. Once in awhile he'd travel up from Arizona to visit and get to know his grandchildren which he dearly loved. I was blessed with something I had thought I'd never have.

The only problem was that my brother and sister could not let go of the past. They'd try and I don't blame them. It was a lot to deal with. My father asked me once why they never kept in touch much. I explained they had a lot to let go of. I felt sorry for my father but I felt sorry for my brother and sister also. To me this was a second chance in life. It just took a lot to get through it but it was well worth it.

Over the years I got married again and my father gave me away. I bought a new building for my business and my father surprised me with a visit. He came up for my son's graduation. We had so many good times. This went on for about twenty years.

Then one day I tried calling and the was no answer. So I left a message. He never called back. So I tried the next two days without a return call. Worried I contacted the police in his town and they went to the home. Upon there arrival a neighbor ran over and filled them in about my father's whereabouts which they then called me and informed me. He only had my older numbers out and no one could reach me.

My father had been drinking again and wound up in the hospital. His sugar went up and for days he was very confused. They then place him in a home which did not go well with him. They did not want him living alone.

So I flew down to Arizona, went to the home and gave him two options. Stay there or come home with me. He did not really like either option. He just wanted to go home but that was not an option. At that point he could not take care of himself. He needed to care so after three weeks of cleaning, yard saling and putting his home up for sale we drove his truck from Arizona to Pennsylvania. That way he had a few belongings he wanted and his truck. I live in a small town and so his driving around wasn't too bad. I just couldn't take everything away from him.

He lived with us for about seven months. He hated Pennsylvania. Especially in the winter so it was a bit rough on him. He was used to living on his own so at times we clashed which was normal. It also gave us many opportunities to talk about things. Our past, our lives and why things happen. I am one that believes everything happens for a reason. I believe my time with my father was so we could get closer.

He never drank while he was in my home. He went for his doctor appointments and once in awhile I could get him out to go to dinner or do something. The worst thing of it all was that he'd live in his room and watch television. He was so unhappy.

His house never sold and he'd beg me to let him go back home. I just knew if I did I'd soon lose him after. He wanted to live there, die there and be buried in the National Vets Cemetery in Phoenix. He was so scared I would have him cremated but I had an insurance policy I had taken over in 2003 so I had that much covered.

He spent more and more time in his room. He'd eat a little but I could not stand him being so unhappy although most of the times I could get him out of the room we'd have good times and interesting conversations.

So in May of 2008 I let him go home. He shipped his truck back and I took him to the airport on one of my days off. We got him checked in and I had wheelchairs ordered for him so he wouldn't have to walk so far. As I kissed him good bye and told him I loved him I knew deep down it would be the last time I saw him.

As always I'd send him phone cards and he could call anytime. He was very happy to be back but once in awhile when we talked I could tell he was drinking. I'd ask but he denied it. Most of the time he sounded good. I always send pictures of everything going on and that would give him something to call and talk about. We'd get some real laughs when I'd share the grandchildren stories.

Then the day came and so did the phone call. My father's body was found by the one neighbor who would check on him every now and then for me. He had a heart attack and laid there about two days. It tore my heart out but I knew I did what I had to do. He died where he wanted to be. He had his military service with full honors. He's in a better place now and no longer in pain.

I just thank God for my second chance. I never thought I'd have a father. It was hard but by putting the past behinds us we had a good relationship. I learned more about my father and he with me. I got something I never dreamed was possible but it took a lot of work. Believe me, it was well worth it.

I still have his phone message when he called and wished me a Happy Birthday. He said he'd try again if he could figure out the time difference. He did. He called again that night. I play that message once in awhile. He sounded so happy and he had a little laugh about the usual confusion. Sometimes his voice makes me laugh and sometimes it makes me cry but I will always be happy because of a second chance.

So remember, if that opportunity comes up for you think it out clearly. It may take a lot of work and a lot of talking and forgiving but in the end you will appreciate the chance.