My Dearest Sammy

Ummm I'm not sure how to do this; I'm trying to connect with the little one inside. My name is Donna and I want to let you know you are not alone. There are only a few things I really know about you and that is you wanted to be called Rachel but later your name changed to Sam, or Sammy. I kind of would like to know why you wanted to change it. Not that there is anything wrong with changing your name, I like Sammy. Would like to know what made you pick that name ...

Your probably wondering why I am now talking to you since I really haven't before. Well I wanna know how to make us better. One way that I discovered was to try to get to know you again- and tell you that you matter more then anything in the world to me. But I forgot that for a while. I was always so busy protecting you and shielding you from the world when you were growing up. I forgot you needed to be heard. It doesn't feel good to be ignored and I forgot that as we grew up.

The other thing I know about you- about us- is that you were really really hurt when you were a little girl. And I want you to know and really understand that it wasn't your fault.
Our parents had no right to hurt you and make you cry like they did. We came into this world helpless and alone. Needing love, care, and lots and lots of hugs. Which we didn't get. All we got were angry voices telling us we were bad or unimportant which told us we weren't wanted or loved. The world was a big scary place when we were little and we trusted our mom and dad to teach us and protect us, and they didn't do that. Daddy had left mommy and mommy was too busy with her life and friends to be there for us and show us how important we were.

I remember the first time we were hurt was when we were only a year old and someone badly hurt us with a baseball bat trying to end our short life. But you didn't quit. I'm so very proud of you for being strong. But the first time I really remember you being alone and needing someone was when grandpa touched you. It's so hard to have to go thru that alone with no one there to protect or hug you. I know you were scared and no one told you it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you then. What he did was very bad and wrong.

I wish I could have held your hand while you told mom that night. And you were right to tell, she was just mean not to listen to you. Her big angry eyes and loud voice. I was so hurt that you were there in that darkened living room being told to not tell anyone and you would be sent away if you did. I remember you standing there so little and fragile holding out your arms for her to take telling you it's all right as she comforted you. But she never did. I am so sorry she didn't. I think that's when I was really born or you decided to create me. And I'm glad.

There's so much more I could tell you but that might be too much in my first letter. I sometimes just start rambling sometimes; I guess that's what makes us special huh? That may have been my problem I was always talking never listening, but I am listening now if you want to talk. I'm not going anywhere. Take as long as you need but I hope you reply back. But most of all I hope you forgive me. I didn't mean to be so busy protecting and hiding you from the world that I forgot to hear and listen to you.