My Depression Battle, and What Saved My Life

I've been in and out of therapy, for almost twenty years. Childhood sexual abuse, is what initially brought me to therapy. As I grew, so did my depression. I saw several counselors, but something would happen that would cause the sessions to end. I would grow tired of going, thinking there was nothing left to talk about. I spoke about the abuse, like it happened to someone else, I never owned the feelings.

I stopped for a few years, and returned after the sudden death of my mother. That stint was short, as I was in college and after the year was over, I moved back home and didn't see the therapist again. The next year I spent a semester abroad, trying to outrun my depression.

I was in and out of therapy as a young adult, never sticking with it, or taking it seriously. After I became a mother, and my oldest child reached the age I was when I was first abused, my depression became worse. By the time I had my second son, my depression was approaching a critical state, and that's when I decided to give therapy a final chance.

My current therapist changed how I viewed therapy. For the first time, I wanted to try and understand my feelings and behavior. I didn't want to continue going through life just surviving, I wanted to live for me and my boys. My depression was severe by this point, and my therapist suggested medication. I refused for several months, I was okay with the therapy, even though it was looked down upon in my family, but taking medication seemed like cheating. My therapist asked if I was a diabetic would I refuse to take insulin, and of course I said no, because that would result in my death. I just didn't think of my mental illness on the same level as a physical ailment, I was wrong.

The depression would lead to suicidal thoughts, causing me to realize I needed to try medication, because I didn't want to die. The medication hasn't been a miracle drug, I'm still working through the depression, but it's curbed the suicidal thoughts. Getting through my depression has been a long difficult journey, but I look forward to a day when it's not a struggle to do the simple things in life, when I can enjoy more things. I look forward to a time, when depression doesn't rule my life.

Poem I wrote at the height of my depression:

Depression came to town, bringing me down
I fell to the ground, couldn't get up, boy did that suck
Felt like I was stuck.
At first I tried to move, and lift myself up.
But no such luck, I was good and stuck

So, I stopped trying and sat there crying.
Wondering if depression would ever leave me alone, or would it stay,
And never go away.