My Diet Plan is Not Your Diet Plan for a Reason

There is always one. No matter what you are doing for yourself or how you are doing it if you make it public knowledge or God forbid post an article about it, there is always that one person who thinks the Universe has given them the divine right to post a belittling comment. If I were a lesser me (not a Littler Me but a LESSER me) and on the same level as these Self-Proclaimed Omnipotent Exercise and Diet Masters of the Universe I would delete their comments. But alas I am sadly just Big Fat Me and that is all I can seem to be. A big fat me that has lost 25 pounds, on my own, since January.

What would I know about eating less and moving more? How could I possibly be successful without the divine intervention of a fad diet, a protein shake, a monster monthly bill at Vitamin World, a personal trainer, sweating buckets, drinking penis shrinking sports beverages, or some lunk-head who can lift a small truck with two fingers yelling in my face as his obscene musculature bulges at me and every vein in his body strains and pulses against his skin with every word? I guess I'm doomed since nothing that is me, and there is still a lot of me, can seem to find a way to accept any of that nonsense as the gospel du jour.

To all the haters who think their way is the only way take a look around; people die every day in a myriad of ways. The fad diet weakens the body's ability to process naturally, the protein shakes are full of less than pure fillers, you can overdose on vitamins, personal trainers cost more than a book but they don't have any more information than you can glean by reading one; providing you haven't been drinking those penis-shrinking, brain-cell-killing sports drinks to replace the buckets of sweat you've been oozing while trying to keep up with the screaming muscle bound lunk-head you've allowed to lord over you. Get over yourself my friend you are going to die and no amount of diet deprivation or over exercising is going to prevent that. You might think you're getting over and you're living some better lifestyle than me but as I indulge in my Godiva on my couch after my 30 minute walking video I would beg to differ.

Not too amazingly these people, the ones who are superior in every way to 98% of the population, seem to travel in packs; or what I like to call a mutual admiration society. And right now most of them are wondering what that means but because they haven't eaten enough this week and are so exhausted from their eight hour a day workouts they are incapable of producing the physical energy or firing the neurons necessary to look it up. So I'll sit here on my couch in my workout clothes preparing for what they would deem an insignificant walk and I will get on my scale Monday morning after looking at myself in the mirror and I will know that despite what they think I am succeeding. I will revel in losing an ounce since last week and I will take joy in carrying in ten bags of groceries at one time instead of the usual eight and I will smile as I gently perspire on my walk around the neighborhood observing the beautiful landscapes and watching the wild animals scurry on their way.

And when, and inevitably it will happen because I am only an imperfect human after all, I ponder the wisdom of the divine comedy of self absorbed commentators I will smile and think, "BITE ME!"