My Dog Ate My Driver's License and Other Attempts at Humor at the DMV

There is obviously a routine one goes through in order to be hired at the DMV in Los Angeles. First, if you crack a smile, you're outta here. If you find someone who is elderly worth your compassion, forget it! Make sure you speak in accented English and either whisper or speak softly so the applicant cannot possibly understand you, and you are forced to embarrass him or her by shouting, "What's the matter? You deaf or somethin'?" It also helps getting hired and placed at critical windows if you are non-white and have a definite chip on your shoulder against Caucasians.

At most DMV offices, they purposely make seats uncomfortably hard to sit on for any length of time, because they want to oppress you from the moment you walk through the door, with the knowledge you'll be waiting long past your appointment time, assuming you made an appointment. Aware of all these uncivilities, I recently tried some humor. It didn't work.

First of all, whenever they see someone with gray hair they immediately make you take a driver's test, even if you've been driving since Henry Ford manufactured the Model T. So, I walked into the "testing" room and, when my turn came, asked the woman if she had a braille test for me. No smile. No comprendo. "English, Spanish, Russian, Chinese. Which one?" I tried another sure laugh getter: "If I take the Chinese test, will I have to come back an hour later to take another on?" She looked at me. "You no look Chinese." I tried again. "I ate a Mandarin orange this morning, does that count?" No response. "English, Spanish, Russian, Chinese. Bring pencil back."

I tried something else. "You have fresh diapers?" She stared at mer. "Where baby?" "Oh, not for baby, I get nervous whenever I have to take a test!" "English, Spanish, Russian, Chinese. Don't steal pencil."

I don't give up easily. "Look," I asked, "if I speak only Hebrew, does that mean to go forward I have to use the reverse gear?" "English, Spanish, Russian, Chinese. Bring back pencil." Then she added a new word: "Next!"