My Epiphany

My mother was discussing with my pastor uncle some of the marital issues my sister had with her husband. She wasn't going into detail, but they went over the fact that my sister's husband was a "non-believer" before they got married. My sister, who was raised Christian, strayed from her practices over the years. When my mother said that my sister has great potential as a Sunday school teacher (because she was so understanding of scriptures), she just needs to know how to get back in that mind state, my uncle said, "Your way out is your way back". I know I kind of dogged Oprah in my article Femi-Nazi 3, but I had what she calls an "Aha" moment.

I was also raised Christian, and I somehow strayed from my faith as well. I'm still a believer and a prayer, but I don't do much more past that. There was a point, a couple years ago, when I was reading the bible regularly, having strong prayers, and going to church. But lately I haven't been doing any of that. When my uncle said, "Your way out is your way back", he thought he said it for my sister, but he really said it for me. I'm the one who needs to find my way back. I've been thinking about it and praying for it for a while.

I asked my uncle, "How do you go back?" He didn't know how to answer at first. Then he said, "You go back to what you were doing. You go back to reading the bible and praying". These words were so for me. I didn't respond. I just sat there.

Going back. When I hear that, I hear "Go back to where you were. Go back and figure out how you got here." But I don't know how I got here. When I was on top of my "spiritual game", I got there through some other epiphany, but somehow it wasn't powerful enough to keep connected to God. I find that every time I grow closer to God, I give up something that I really want. I don't know what that's about, but I do it every time. I guess it's just sacrifice, but I seem to sacrifice things that are important to me. And that's what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that if I "go back" to God, I will have nothing.

I have another uncle who's a pastor, and his daughter, my cousin, is such a zombie. Her passion and desire for life and success is just not there. She's not a dreamer or a thinker. She just sits there with no drive whatsoever, and she's been raised ultra-Christian. She's been raised not to want anything except God, and she seems to be living that way. I am so afraid I'm going to end up like her.

I feel like the rich man in the bible that wanted to be saved, but when Jesus asked him if he was willing to sacrifice his riches, he declined and ran away. I want so much in life, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to sacrifice it for God. I want to, but I don't want to be like my cousin. I don't want to lose my drive. It's all I got.

I know exactly what I'm going to have to do to go back. And it's something that I definitely don't want to do. I'm going to have to hold off on my cosmetic line. I believe I'll still pursue it, but I couldn't fully pursue it after going back to God. My cosmetic line is taking most of my focus, and that's the focus I need transition to my religion. I know you're like, "Well, do both." I've tried. I can't. The Christian faith and my business takes a lot of work and focus. It's true what the good old bible says: you can't be a slave for two masters.

So, what I'm going to do at this point is put God first. Then I'll work on my education and my business. I'm going back to bible study on Wednesday, and I may be going on Fridays to the prayer meetings. I'm going to go back to reading the bible every day, and seek some spiritual counseling from my uncles. Wish me luck.