My Experience with Depression and Being Overweight

In one of my previous articles I had discussed my experience of having scoliosis of the spine and a procedure done called a Harrington Rod used to correct my condition. In this article I would like to discuss the after effects of this life changing surgery. When deciding to discuss this, it was a difficult decision. Not many know the severe depression I endured, nor do many know the effects that being overweight really had on me.

When I was 12 years old I finally returned home for good after spending a year in the hospital, and then another year in rehabilitation. I just was not the same child and I'm really unsure anyone saw how I was feeling. Before back surgery I was a happy go lucky kid. Nothing really bothered me. I found humor in everything. But after being forced through rehabilitation, something seemed to snap. I saw changes in me that I was forced to see, and those at the rehabilitation center only wanted me to see their way...

While in rehab after being moved from the hospital, I realized right off I sat differently. I was so straight, my hand could no longer reach my mouth. My legs could no longer push a wheelchair across the floor and my hands could not help in the process. Right away I was fitted for a new electric wheelchair, which was not too bad. But the hardest part came from the supposed therapists who were determined they knew best.

I was fitted for an armbrace that was attached to my chair, and my arm rested in a metal piece. It moved back and forth under the movement of my arm. From there, I was made to type with a stick with a ball on the end, and then was made to hold utencils to feed myself. I kept saying I could not do this with my hand. So, at mealtimes at the rehab center I was sat with my food and a utencil in my hand and left completely alone. They figured if I was hungry, I'd use my hand. They refused to listen that my hand was not strong enough, and I could not bend to reach my hand. Many nights I went to bed hungry.

When it was time to return home, I was horribly depressed. I was told my mom would follow through with their regime. I was sad that I was not allowed to have my own ideas or ways of doing things. So, at home my mom followed instructions, many nights I sat in my chair with food in front of me, many nights heading to bed hungry...

On top of that, my surgery had caused severe bladder and bowel issues. At 12 I was wetting the bed and soiling myself. (This lasted until age 13 when my bladder grew stronger after being weakened from back surgery.) During this time though, my mom was growing angrier, me growing much sadder. At night I would lay awake so I would not wet the bed, many days staying longer on the toilet just in case I had to go. It was so hard because I wasn't even going away with my family anymore. I just became withdrawn, tired and unmotivated. I stayed home, laying on the living room floor covered in a blanket, and just crying.

As time progressed, I discovered that while on the floor, I could eat with no hands. Ok, at first like many of you are thinking, I must have looked like a dog. On the contrary, I could eat the messiest things ever made, but never make a mess. I discovered I could do this sitting up at the counter in the kitchen. No more being forced to try to feed myself with my hand. One huge problem, my depression discovered comfort food. I was eating chips, cookies, dinner, candy, the list was endless. With my depression grew my waist line. I got heavier, sadder and with my bladder and bowel issues, things just grew worse.

The only good thing, I found that if I applied my eating style to other things, I could do more. I learned all on my own to write with my mouth. I could type, pick things up... You name it, my mouth could do it, and to this day, still does.

My challenge with depression and being overweight, unfortunately lasted about two years. I really went no where those two years. My family tried, but I would not go into public. Of course, at clothes shopping for school, I had no choice. Being overweight however, made me feel really bad. While my sisters were buying size 8 or 10 jean sizes, my mom was buying 18 to 24 pant sizes for me. It got so bad, my dad could no longer lift me without my mom helping. As time progressed, along with my large pant size, I also got a hoyer lift. With the hoyer lift, no one needed to pick me up, and every time I was in it, there was the sticker letting me know the hoyer could hold up to 300 pounds.

Every night my depression loomed, I cried myself to sleep.

At 16 things needed to change. I was in high school, no boyfriends, really no friends at all. What was worse. One day while leaving school, I had no idea my pants had become unzipped and my stomach was hanging out. I was humiliated. I could do nothing about it. People were walking by, I wanted to just crawl away and die...

That summer after doing serious soul searching, I needed to change. I hated what I became...

Out of the depths of my insides I decided no more. I told my mom no more. Quit feeding me every time I asked. I begged for raw vegetables and diet foods. I wanted and ate salads. I started going away with my family and when we went out to eat, I ate salad while everyone else ate burgers.

Then, that summer, my parents surprised us kids with a swimming pool. After getting over my fear of water, I was in. Once in an inner tube I could kick my legs and was really exercising. In time, I was really losing weight. In time, my depression started slipping away.

Finally, at 17 years old, I was wearing a size 12. I actually looked good. With the excess weight gone, I could move again. I was not afraid to look in the mirror, and going outside became even more of a pleasure for me. I was now writing, typing and doing everything I could for myself with my mouth, and I was at a good weight. I was really thinking about college. Sure, I still struggled with depression, sometimes still today, but I learned to handle my emotions on my own...

However, for many depression can be crippling and dealing with it on your own may not be an option. If you or someone you love are depressed, it's ok to ask for help or seek help. And remember, depression effects everyone differently. Also, being overweight can be a struggle. Lose weight if you need to, but do it appropriately.