My Experience with Domestic Violence

I am, unfortunately, a victim of domestic violence. And I have a couple of stories to tell, which makes it worse. I not only fell prey to this once, but twice, and I am still with one of those men now. I know domestic violence is more heard about with women being the victims, rather than men, and I have to say, that my side of this debate follows this trend.

I am a 21 year old girl, married, no children, living in a foreign country with a husband that is a member of the British Armed Forces (hence the move to another country!) In some ways, my second experience of domestic violence is much worse than my first and for many reasons, which I shall share with you now.

My first experience with domestic violence was when I was young and very naive. I was 18 and totally besotted with my boyfriend at the time. We had a very volatile relationship, constantly arguing about anything and everything that you could possibly argue about. We were together for almost two years, and in that two years, he never actually hit me. He used to push me around and grab me in ways that were inappropriate but there was no punching and slapping that most people associate with domestic violence. It wasn't until we broke up that the real problems started happening. He used to come to my apartment in the early hours of the morning, after not having any luck getting a girl for the evening, and expect to sleep with me. This went on for some time, almost a year, and it got to the point where I wasn't going to take it anymore. The hardest decision I ever made, was to cut him out of my life completely. It was one of these late night visits that lead to my black eye and cracked cheek bone. I told him a few home truths about him and his family which he wasn't particularly fond of. I also told him that I wanted nothing more to do with him and I slapped him for his inappropriate answer. He then punched me in the face. I fell to the floor outside my home and he hit me again, and then again. In some ways, I justified this behavior because I had hit him first. The fact that he hit me was bad enough, but I could deal with that. It was the fact that he hit me a further two times, while I was on the floor. I know that while we were together, him pushing and shoving me wasn't right, but I couldn't walk away. I thought I was so in love with him and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Choosing to cut him out of my life completely was the toughest decision I ever made, because even though we had split up, I always thought that if I let him carry on sleeping with me, eventually we might get back together, which at the time, is what I wanted more than anything. Now, that was my first experience with domestic violence, and although it wasn't a big issue, it was one that I had to deal with.

My second experience with domestic violence was horrifying. I married a man that was gentle and caring, and the fact that he turned so suddenly was something I didn't want to face, but had to. He started cheating, and lying about ridiculous things. It was at this point that I probably should have walked away, especially seeing as he caught an STD and didn't do anything about it. I, thankfully, didn't catch this STD, but the fact I could have done sent me reeling.

Now, our relationship was again, very volatile. We argued a lot. I first remember him hurting me while we were on a night out. He refused to buy me a burger from a late night food place. I walked out of the establishment and stood outside. He followed me, getting more and more aggressive, demanding to know what right I had to ask him to buy me a burger. I was scared and I walked away. He grabbed me by the hair and dragged me along the floor. I cut open the front of my feet so that they were bleeding and I fell to the floor. It was during this period that I spent on the floor that he put his hands around my throat. It was so tight that I couldn't breathe and I ended up vomiting all over myself. Since that first occasion, he has bitten my face, slapped me, kicked me, dragged me around our flat by my hair and it all came to a head when I decided I want to leave. He came home from a particularly alcohol-filled night at the pub and punched me around the face before I had a chance to say anything to him. That night I ended up in hospital and had stitches in my face. He had punched me that hard that he left a section of his knuckle bone in my lip. The cut was so deep that you could see my teeth through my cut and I couldn't eat solid food for at least a week. I needed X-Rays because the hospital thought I had a broken nose and a fractured jaw.

I packed my bags and left...twice. And that was three months ago. I'm back with him. I'm a fool and I know I should walk away but because I am living in a foreign country, the walking away process, for me, is that much harder. I'm scared because I will have no-where to go, no job, no money and I'd have to start all over again.

For me, it is easier to stay and believe that one day my luck will change, and so will his attitude. Although that is the only time he has actually punched me, we have had rows since where he has pushed me into walls. The thing is, this domestic violence comes with him telling me that I will never find anyone else to love me, I'm fat and I'm ugly. I believe this fact. I don't think I will ever find somebody else to love me enough to marry me. If so many men in my life have lied, cheated and hurt me, this must be the life I am destined for.

I can't walk away, I have tried and I always go back. I love him so much, even after what he has put me through and I can't imagine waking up without him by my side. I have given up my job, home, family and friends to move to another country and we have only been married a year. Things may change, and they may not. But all the time there is hope, I will keep trying.

I'm not deluded, I know it will happen again. I don't believe his apologies and his promises. But even so, I cannot walk away and I have no idea why. He's nothing special. I've had better relationships and I have had worse. There is something about him that has a hold over me, and I am sure it is the same for any others that have been through this experience as well.

In my eyes, it is much harder to walk away from a life you know so well. I hope and pray that other women and men have the courage to walk away, and maybe one day I will find that courage as well. For now, I'm still here and I'm sure I will forgive him for much more!