My Favorite Things

Oprah's best friend is named Gayle; I don't have any friends, but if I did, I'm sure I'd have a best friend named something. One of Oprah's favorite guests is Jennifer Aniston; Jennifer Aniston has a restraining order against me. Oprah has more money than the gross national product of most African countries; I have more money than the homeless man I trip over on my way to work each morning. Oprah has her own talk show that airs Monday through Friday throughout America; I have my own talk show that airs Monday through Friday throughout my head.

Another thing Oprah and I have in common is a love for material things. Every year, Oprah devotes one show to featuring her favorite things and GIVING THEM AWAY TO THE ENTIRE STUDIO AUDIENCE!!! Not to be outdone by my soul sister, I will now share with you a list of those things that I have come to value more than my booger collection.

And I would also like to announce that...

I WILL BE GIVING AWAY EACH OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO ANYONE WHO READS THIS ARTICLE!!! (Loud screaming, lots of jumping up and down, and general adoration for yours truly.)

The Clap

Not to be confused with The Clapper, I picked this sucker up after a night of binge drinking in one of the seedier sections of Tijuana. I believe her name was Lupe.

Chia-Muffin

New from the makers of Chia-Weiner! Unless you teach abstinence only, your kids will find this item both fun and educational. Just plant your seed and watch it grow. Ch-ch-ch Chia!

Hannah Montana Boxer Shorts

Just imagine the surprised look on you wife's face when you drop your pants and display the smiling face of 16-year-old Miley Cyrus on the crotch of your underwear. It won't get you arrested, but it probably should.

Jonas Brothers Greatest Hits

Every chart-topper by the group Rolling Stone magazine once referred to as "a musical advertisement promoting the positive aspects of abortion." Nick, Joe and...uh...the other one will make you long for the good old days when children were seen and not heard.

The iCrapper

No need to take your laptop to the bathroom anymore. Even as you take a dump, all the latest technology is at your fingertips with the iCrapper. This fabulous wireless toilet allows you to get stock quotes and up-to-date baseball scores while listening to illegally downloaded music. Best feature? MapQuest will show you the shortest route from your iCrapper to your recliner.

A one-year subscription to F, The Frank Magazine

Each and every issue of this monthly magazine for men features a fabulous photo of yours truly on the cover. You'll thrill as you read inspiring articles of how I rose from a poor, uneducated white kid from the suburbs of Chicago to a poor, uneducated white man from the suburbs of Chicago.

Drew Carey Ass-and-a-half Jeans

You won't believe how shapely your hindquarters will look in these denim jeans created by one of America's most beloved TV personalities. Finally, clothes designed for full-figured men like you.

The Complete Girls Gone Wild Box Set

Have you ever wondered what college girls do during spring break? These videos will give you an idea. Hey, isn't that your daughter wearing nothing but beads and a smile in the one titled College Girls Exposed?

Kill 'em All! A Solution to the Homeless Problem, by Ann Coulter

A great follow up to her bestseller How to Disembowel a Liberal. In this one, Ann dishes out her usual heavy dose of sweetness and good will that will inspire you to run to the closest gun shop, purchase an assault rifle, and do your part.

Beef Jerky-of-the-Month Club Membership

There's nothing I enjoy more than chewing on a dried-up piece of meat with the consistency of shoe leather. Since Madonna isn't available, I'll settle for beef jerky.