My First Christmas as a Single Parent

The decision for a couple to divorce is rarely arrived at in a flippant manner. But when the decision is made their lives as individuals change, however, time marches on. Holidays will still come. The first holidays, especially the big ones like Christmas can be harrowing especially for newly single parents and may be difficult to survive. Or they can be celebrated so that they live on as pleasant, though bitter-sweet memories which will lay the foundations for who we are to become post-divorce. Now nearly 10 years after my first Christmas as a single parent I have reflections of simple pleasures and the kindness, love and good will of my fellow man. Isn't that what Christmas is all about after all?

Perhaps my unsinkable determination to make our first Christmas together (just me and my girls) was what drove me to force myself out of the deep dark bubble of depression that I had slipped into for many months after I asked my ex-husband for a legal separation on our way to a final divorce. Perhaps it was the fact that I'd never personally handled all of the details of Christmas holiday preparation alone as I'd left my parents' home straight to move in with my ex-husband and I was determined to prove I could handle it without help from anyone. Perhaps it was that I was searching for a reason to celebrate life even though I felt terrified that I couldn't handle surviving on my own with four young children depending on me for their every need. Or maybe it was a combination of all of these factors that forced me to "pull it off" which would culminate in a happy, joy-filled Christmas holiday despite the obvious difficulties of being a newly single parent.

Since I was getting no support and I earned very little money pulling this off was certainly not going to be an easy task. But as luck would have it I was raised by poor Easter European immigrants so I knew how to stretch a dollar not to mention that "creative" happened to be my middle name. Believe it or not, after deciding to make our first Christmas a happy holiday the most daunting task was acquiring and setting up the Christmas tree! I had no idea where to go to buy a tree, what a fair price for a tree was, or how to get it home. Being that I am only 5'3" I had no idea how to get that bushy monster into the house and get it to stand without toppling over. Looking back now I still chuckle to myself at the lunacy of it all: recently separated, financially challenged mom with four little girls between ages 5 and 9 attempting to get this done without the benefit of any "rent-a-handy-man" or spiked eggnog and without losing what marbles I still had left . But there was no way I was going to let my babies see me sweat. I was clueless, not helpless and I had four little girls watching my every move to remind me of that every step of the way. In the end when the tree was standing in our living room, I literally felt 10 feet tall. My girls were beaming, "We did it, Mami!" And then onto the next task: figuring out how to finance the decorations, then the physical act of decorating the tree without toppling it or burning down the house ala Chevy Chase. A few strands of constant white Christmas tree lights bought on clearance at the last minute, colorful chains my girls and I made out of construction paper, a lot of patience and one of the few things I left my marriage with: the fine porcelain angel with curls made of human hair (that I'd purchase as a teen) set atop made our Christmas tree one of the most beautiful Christmas trees on which we'd ever laid eyes. I can still remember the look in my little girls' eyes like it was only yesterday.

The final dilemma: what would my girls wake to find underneath that perfectly beautiful tree come Christmas morning as Jezuska (Baby Jesus) was very poor indeed that year. I was too proud to ask my sister and her family for money for something as frivolous as Christmas presents for my girls. They had already been so generous helping to stock our refrigerator without my children knowing so they wouldn't feel badly about the fact that I was given no support by their father. My sister and brother-in-law would key into our home when they knew we weren't there (usually when one of them was baby-sitting all 7 of our children while I was working), look in our fridge and pantry to see what we needed and just buy it and put it there. How could I possibly burden them more?

Then my prayers were answered by total strangers on the internet. I had been trying to further my modeling and fitness career on a fitness discussion board. There were many good people who were also regular posters and we became "internet friends". Their support touched my heart and helped shape who I have become today.

Though I still hid so much about my personal difficulties back in those days the people who had been through similar life experiences somehow knew exactly what I needed, though I would never come out and say, "I can't afford presents for my kids this year." One the most memorable acts of kindness came from my "internet friend" Lisa. She never asked if I could afford presents for my girls. Having gone through similar life circumstances she instinctively knew there was no way I could. So just before Christmas Eve, the night that Christians celebrate the birth of the infant Jesus and people all around the world try to remember and impart charity and goodwill towards their fellow human beings, packages arrived in the mail for my girls. They were toys for my little girls; toys that I could not afford to purchase. I was both humbled and magnified. Humbled because I was not able to afford to give my children all that I could when we were still an "intact" family, but magnified because this was to be the first of many confirmations that I was a good person who was worthy of the love, respect and friendship of other good people... something that I'd grown to seriously question because of my divorce.

So now, 10 years have passed since my first Christmas as a single parent and though I've faced my share of tragedy, I have also been showered with blessings beyond my wildest dreams. That first Christmas laid the foundation for who I have become due in part to having rediscovered the true meaning of the holiday: love, respect, and good will towards our fellow human beings. These feelings should be set into acts and celebrated every day, as when you give of yourself this way you receive so much more in return: the strength to become so much more than you had ever believed that you could be.

"Thank you Lisa! Know that your gesture of love and support has been and will be paid forward for all of my days.... And long after I am gone."