My First Job After Open Heart Surgery

I haven't worked in many years, but with the economy the way it is today, my bills exceed my income each month. Watching my checking account go down and having to borrow money from offspring each month made me depressed and caused a tremendous amount of anxiety. I kept looking for jobs online - jobs that the hours fit into my exhaustion caused by my heart surgery and heart disease.

I found a part-time job and I made it through the first few weeks. I thought (and was told) the first week of training was going to be the most exhausting part of the job. It was true for the training week and will always be true for the first week of every month, when our work is the hardest and requires the most hours. The second to fourth week of every month our work load is much less. Little did I know that my open heart surgery and heart disease would have me exhausted for the whole month and all I want to do is sleep on the days I can stay home. After I've woken up I don't feel rested either. The positive part of the job is that we get to pick our own hours and our own weekly schedule, so I can sleep late and go do my job later in the day. That works for me and as soon as I come home, I eat and then quickly go to sleep very exhausted.

Since I am also not used to working (including all that it entails) - and I'm very exhausted, the job causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. I can't remember when I have ever been this nervous. Today I noticed that as I listened to a Michael Buble CD to see what songs I wanted to burn from it, it made me feel very nervous if the words of a song took too long to begin. To me, that's being very nervous and so unlike me. I have been getting bad headaches daily, shooting pains in the side of my head and pains in my neck. I know it's from stress. On the days I don't work outside my home, I have disciplined myself to not doing anything pertaining to work, to cut down on the stress. My OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, has me doing everything at my best, but I have to discipline myself to staying sane and healthy.

During open heart surgery, the surgeon saws apart your breast bone, or sternum. While I'm working, as I pick up objects my body considers to be heavy and strenuous, I feel it in my chest for days. It happens with whatever I have to do that's strenuous for me. I guess it's just like what they say happens after you break a bone in your arm, leg, etc.

I feel like my life right now is a Catch-22. I have to work because of my financial situation and that was causing me lots of anxiety, but now that I do have a part-time job, this job is causing me lots of anxiety. Which is better for me? I can't allow a job to cause me to have a stroke, or a heart attack. My father's job caused him a lot of stress and he died at 48 years old from a massive heart attack because of it.

I am hoping that as time goes on, I can find a routine that will eliminate this job having me run around like a "chicken without a head," which will stop the stress and anxiety it is causing me. I chose this type of part-time job because the ad made it sound like it was going to be an easy job, which I felt would comply with my health limitations. I have to get to the point where I control this job and not that the job controls me, which it does right now.

This Friday I have an appointment with my cardiologist. I know that when I tell her how this job is making me feel, she is going to recommend that I quit it. I would totally agree with her, if I didn't need the money. We shall see what will happen over time.

A wonderful friend of mine always says, "Everything works out." I hope so.