My First Love: I Wish You Were Here

As I sit here in my glider in the back yard, I can't help but think about you. You've been gone for a long time, but the memory of the brief time that we were together is crystal clear in my mind. I try not to let myself sink too deep in the memories, but every time I start to think about you, I drown in my thoughts. I drown in the anguish.

I wish you were here, so I could tell you how I feel. I try to piece together my feelings according to the chain of events. Everything becomes a blur, as I am getting my thoughts in order. I can't explain how I felt about you. It doesn't make sense to me. I think about how I felt, then I try to dissect the feelings. I keep sinking deeper, and deeper in my thoughts, trying to understand why I felt the way that I did.

I didn't know you. I knew who you were, but I knew nothing of you. We weren't very old. We were in the ninth grade. I remember the first time that I saw you. I swear there was a glow around your head. I thought you looked like an angel. There were times in years later, that I thought I was too young to feel such things. I look back now, and I really did experience it. I did feel the way that I did.

Who were you? We had never talked to each other. Why did you want to kiss me? Why did you pick me to kiss? Someone had told you that a beautiful girl kept looking at you in school. You told that person that you thought that I was the best looking girl in school. I remember staring at you.

It's been so long since we kissed. We never talked to each other after it happened. We both knew that the attraction was there, but neither one of us made an effort to connect with each other. I had never felt what I did before that point in time when we kissed, and I have never felt the same way since.

Why did you kiss me, and run off? Why did you disappear? Why didn't we tell each other of our feelings that we had for one another? Why did someone that I didn't know, kiss me with such passion? Why did you leave me? I waited for two years for you to approach me in some way. You never said anything to me. You did tell someone else how you felt about me. I heard about your feelings for me years later. I happened to be at the same place one time with the person that you had said things to about me. He told me exactly how you felt.

Here it was, around fifteen years later, and by this time it was too late to do anything about it. It was too late to do anything with the short time that we had been together. He told me that you had been looking for me after we had graduated from High School. He said that you never stopped thinking about me, and you never stopped in your quest to find me. I had no idea of any of this. I never knew I was still on your mind. I told him that I had thought that I would get over you, but I never did. He said that you never got over me, either.

He was blunt in the way that he was telling me what he did. He had drank too much before I saw him, and he laid it on the line. I couldn't control my emotions. He seemed to be so heartless in the way that he told me what he did. You had told him that if he ever saw me out somewhere, to give me your phone number. I started to cry, and I asked him what your number was. He said that you were dead. I told him that I knew that. I asked him what I was supposed to do with this information. I asked him why he was even telling me this, as it was too late to do anything about it. He said that he was telling me this, because this was the first time that he had seen me since school. He was simply doing what had been asked of him, but it ripped my heart wide open. He said that you never got over me.

He told me that you had regretted not talking to me, or getting together with me. He asked me questions to see how I felt about you. Then he told me how you had felt. Our feelings were the same. I had no idea we had felt the same way about each other. I told him that it was a rotten deal.

I tried to contain my feelings, as he told me things. It was impossible. I told him that I didn't know what had happened. I said that you had kissed me, then there was nothing. He said that you were scared. You said that I kept getting more beautiful every year. You told him that I was gorgeous. Did you feel intimidated? I kept looking at you whenever I saw you in school. You would look away. I thought that you didn't like me, or that you had found someone else. You told him him later after you had graduated from school, you wanted me. You told him that you would never find anybody as gorgeous as me. It was too late by then. He said that you saw me once, when we were both out on the streets, in our cars. It was four years after we had been out of High School. He said that you told him that I was gorgeous.

I didn't know that you were shy. He had offered back in school, to tell me how you felt. You didn't want him to. You were afraid of rejection. He said that he told you that it looked like you had rejected me. I told him that I wouldn't have rejected you, You had told someone else that it was the biggest mistake you ever made, letting me go.

I was asked if I loved you, and if my heart aches for you, I told him yes. How can this be? We were two strangers that shared kissing, and affection. Why were my feelings so strong for you? I told him that I felt like I had gone someplace else when we were kissing. It felt like I had been transported somewhere. I felt like I looking through love, when I kissed you. I felt like time stopped, and I didn't want to stop kissing you. I remember looking into your eyes, between kisses. I couldn't stop looking at your eyes. It was like time stopped, and I didn't want to stop kissing you. I felt like I was under a spell of some sort. I felt like you sucked the soul out of my body.

I never felt that way with anybody else, the way that I felt with you. What was it about you kissing me? I was young when we kissed, but the feelings were real. I wish that there was some way to tell you that I miss you terribly. You will never know just how much I miss you. We never got the chance to tell each other how we felt. Sometimes I do think that the chances were there, we just didn't take the time to talk to each other. Maybe we thought that time was on our side, and there would be time later on down the road for such talk. We were young, and we probably thought that time was something that there would be plenty of. We were young, and carefree, and we just didn't think about time running out, or time not being there for us.

I wish that things had turned out differently. I have been both happy, and angry that we kissed. I was left having to deal with my feelings. I wish you were here. I never got over you. I think about you so much. You told him that there was electricity between us when we kissed. Oh, how I wish I could have had more kisses. Sometimes I wish that this had never happened. It hurt, learning of your feelings for me, years later.

I told him that you were "it", and I felt like you had been made just for me. I told him that you were different, and he told me that you had told him he same thing about me. I realize that there isn't anything I can do about any of this now. I wish I could tell you how I feel about you. You were one of a kind. There will never be anyone else like you.

I wish that you had never departed this earth. I remember your beautiful brown eyes. I wish I could look into them again. I'm left to struggle with these feelings today. I still don't know exactly what it was that I felt. The sensations were new, and strange. I miss the feelings that I had towards you. You took my breath away. It hurt to look at you. I couldn't stand to look at you, but I couldn't stop looking at you. You were my angel.

I remember one time, I did start to say something to you. The words wouldn't come out. I felt so stupid, and I kind of laughed at my blunder. Why did you get scared, and leave me? I miss everything about you. I loved you so much, so many years ago.