My Five Freebies

Through the years, my wife and I have each had to practice a great amount of self discipline in order to stay faithful to each other. When you are as desirable a couple as we are, opportunities of infidelity come along almost daily. Fortunately, we have both been able to fight temptation and remain true to one another throughout our marriage. To reward ourselves for years of restraint, we recently decided to allow each other a freebie list of five celebrities who, should the opportunity ever arise, we are allowed to sleep with-no questions asked. I know this isn't something new; many couples compile freebie lists. The difference is most of those people are so ugly they don't have a prayer of ever nailing anyone on their list.

Of course, certain factors had to be considered before we entered into this agreement. As we all know, men are basically pigs who will interpret a mere smile as an offer of a night of wild, no-strings-attached sex. For my wife, finding five celebs willing to sleep with her would not be terribly difficult. For me, however, the likelihood of finding a willing partner is considerably smaller. This means she could very well end up with Brad Pitt while I'm bumpin' uglies with Joan Rivers. So to level the playing field, my wife's list of five will be limited to a pool of celebrities selected by yours truly. She can choose any five from the following collection of outstanding male celebs:

Danny DeVito
Gary Coleman
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Paul Giamatti
Clay Aiken
Andy Dick
Carrot Top
Lyle Lovett

But I get to choose any five female celebrities in the world. After several weeks of consideration, I have settled on the following five:

Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer is numero uno on my list and has been ever since the first time I saw her on Friends and said to myself, "I gotta get me one of those!" As I have told my wife many times, the reason poor Jen keeps bouncing from one failed relationship to another is because she has yet to meet me. It is time to remedy that.

Diane Lane

This woman is so beautiful, even my wife says she'd have a hard time saying no to her. Every time I watch Diane Lane being unfaithful in the film Unfaithful, I want to be unfaithful. And by putting her on my list, I have permission from my wife to be just that. Now all I need is permission from Ms. Lane and I'm good to go.

Faith Hill

Faith's opening to NBC's Sunday Night Football makes my boxer shorts melt. Throw in the Breathe video in which she is rolling around in twisted bed sheets with her fabulously long legs teasing and enticing me and I am dangerously close to needing CPR. After a dozen years of marriage, she's gotta be about ready to dump that Tim McGraw guy. And that's when I make my move.

Salma Hayek

This sizzling Latina packs a load of amazing curves into one compact, little carrying case. Ms. Hayek is one of those women who could be hideously ugly and you wouldn't even notice because your eyes never leave her extremely large pair of tomatillos. I am happy to report that I have seen photos of Salma's face and she is one fine looking enchilada. Suddenly, I'm hungry for a Mexican buffet.

Courtney Love

OK, it's time to get real. I had to put this skanky bag of heroin on my list because she is my only hope. Let's face it, Jennifer, Diane, Faith and Salma wouldn't let me touch them if they were about to give birth and I was the only OBGYN in town. The drug-addled Ms. Love, on the other hand, seems like a pretty sure thing. I figure a body-condom and several doses of penicillin should be all I need in preparation of a night of unbridled Courtney Love-making.

Hell, even that's gotta be better than bumpin' uglies with Joan Rivers.