My New Found Appreciation for Fine Virgin Olive Oils and Aged Balsamic Vinegars

If I were to write an article both extolling the virtues of fine virgin olive oils and aged balsamic vinegars, while at the same time warning the public at large of the scourge of retail, it could only mean one thing: I have accepted seasonal employment at the local, uber-gourmet grocery store. I try to remember a more horrendous scenario in which I was forced to slave away in misery in order to make just enough to cover my monthly bills, coming up with what could only be described as a sorry attempt to reassure myself that there are worse things in life.

At least (I try to console myself) it's not like something horrible has happened, like being forced into a landscaping job where you end up gashing your eye open with the pointed end of a metal wood rasp, forcing you to get stitches at the local indigent clinic because you don't have any health insurance. And then I remember: Wait. That did happen. All in the name of making ends meet while waiting for one of my resumes languishing out in cyberspace to attract the employer of my dreams.

Welcome to the world of unemployment, no matter what color your parachute.

So in the interim between starvation and landing my dream job, the income from landscaping must be supplemented as the days are waning and my job security hangs precariously in the balance of mild weather with little or no chance of precipitation. All things considered, there's no better place than the local gourmet grocery to earn a few more greenbacks - especially if you have a discriminating palate. (Although times being what they are, I wouldn't turn my nose up at a nice, (free) piping-hot bowl of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.)

By the grace of God, (who I believe owes me big for my current times of trouble) not only do I end up landing a gig at the gourmet grocery, but I am also assigned to work in the actual grocery department. My new assignment has opened me up to a world of culinary indulgences and a plethora of heavenly flavors and tantalizing aromas. I tackle with gusto my charge of enticing our loyal customers with samples of world-renown olive oils, balsamic vinegars, breads, cheeses, and honeys. (Especially since it is expected that I taste-test all of our products (as often as necessary) so that I am in a position to better inform our clientele and answer their questions.)

Amidst the holiday rush, I stock (and re-stock, and then stock again) items that are on constant backorder from the warehouse in order to fill the gaping holes clawed out by the grabby hands of the shop-till-you-drop consumers. In reality, though, nothing much of anything ever really gets accomplished. Boxes are left mid-aisle as I am constantly distracted by customers who are lost, who have lost their children, who need to know if we carry Mango-Peach Chutney, Truffle Oil, or German Sugar Cones, or whose son just broke a jar of jam, exploding a gooey mass of pectin and glass all over the floor.

In desperation to leave the Groundhog Day world of constantly trying to keep merchandise on the shelf, I find myself imploring customers to enjoy "a free taste of any balsamic vinegar or olive oil we have in stock!"

When finally asked for a demonstration, my response of "Absolutely! I would love to let you sample our various products!" drips with enthusiastic glee as I now have an excuse to leave my post in the Buy-One, Get-One-Free hell hole and become lost in the savory finish of a fifteen-year old balsamic.

Their acquiescence to my subterfuge lulls me into a kind of ethereal trance. I serenely make my way to the work station of the grocery department as the never-ending track of perpetual Christmas cheer pouring out of the loudspeakers is tuned out by my now one-track mind, relegating itself to an almost imperceptible background hum. I even pass the demo lady who erroneously pronounces "bruschetta" with an "sh" (instead of a hard "c" like in the word "mocha") without flinching at her Italian faux pas.

Life is good.

I begin by choosing a few bottles from our stock of hundreds. First, the all-purpose, four-year old balsamic from Modena. Then our signature series ten-year old vinegar, followed by the fifty dollar, fifteen-year old balsamic from the Acetaia Lodovico Campari e Figlio (also from the south of my terra madre). In between I allow them to compare and contrast with the variety of vinegars they've picked out.

I explain that in the world of balsamics, price does reflect quality, and that the older balsamics are used more as a finish to a quality dish rather than as a marinade or dressing. With this I segue into: "Our four-year old is a nice, all-around balsamic that does equally well on salads as it does over cheese or berries."

"You'll notice" I continue with the assuredness of someone "in the know", "that this vinegar is somewhat clear and liquid in its demeanor, and that it has a slight 'pucker' quality that allows you to both appreciate and experience the sweetness of the balsamic alongside its distinctive vinegar quality."

"Moving on to our ten-year, signature series balsamic, you'll notice the darker color, the sweeter aroma, and the slightly more syrupy pour. With this vinegar we move away from an all-purpose use to a more focused application as a complimentary sauce instead of a dressing."

"Now remember," I continue confidently in my now-memorized speech, "you can take any run-of-the-mill balsamic, and do a reduction to broaden its potential as a food accompaniment. By constantly stirring the vinegar over low heat, you begin to caramelize the sugars, allowing the balsamic to obtain a thick, full-bodied quality. You can use the final product in such simple recipes as garlic-seared pork chops baked with Bosch Pears. Simply drizzle the reduction over the prepared meat, and voila!"

The customers nod and agree about "just how delicious that sounds" as they hurriedly take notes for future reference.

"But, wait!" I exclaim, interrupting their scribbles. "Wait until you allow the refined, full-bodied flavor of our fifteen-year old balsamic to swim over your tongues!"

Now surrounded by a rapt audience, the customers "Ooohhh!" and "Aahhh!" in anticipation, attentively watching as I expertly pour the heavenly elixir from a height sufficient enough to demonstrate its molasses-like quality and color. As soon as they bring it to their lips, the look on their faces tells me that their lives have been changed forever.

"This" I say, having expertly executed a coup de grace worthy of Julia Childs, "is the balsamic that has such a clean, smooth finish, its sweet (without being sugary) taste allows you to use it in ways you never thought possible with a vinegar. Putting aside its standard place in the world of condiments, try to imagine this balsamic served alongside a decadent bowl of chocolate-covered strawberries...or," I tease, leading up to the climax, "drizzled over a fresh scoop of pure vanilla ice cream!"

Their faces light up in wondrous delight as I smile knowingly and pour myself another little taste.

"Now would you like to try any of our extra-virgin olive oils? Our 2006 Novello, perhaps? Made with one hundred percent Sicilian olives, this olive oil is the result of the first pressing of the year which takes place directly on the farm. The almost neon green color you see is indicative of its bold, aggressive beginning and peppery finish."

"If you would like something a little smoother, which hints at a peppery bite but goes down without catching you in the back of the throat, try the Tuscan Lucini."

"If, on the other hand, you are in the market for something buttery, with less of a full-bodied attack on your taste buds, try the Greek Byzantine. For a bolder flavor, I recommend a Spanish oil, (like the Catalan) and for a more reserved taste, French olive oils tend to hold back while at the same time delivering a silky finish."

"Please feel free to ask about any of our products!" I tell them. "They are all here to sample!"

And oh, Madon', do I sample. It's as if I've never before tasted the sweet, succulent tang characteristic of a well-aged balsamic. Suddenly, my part-time job has become a grudging necessity that I just might try to keep into the new year. It is, after all, the only place where I can get my fix and thereby make it through my day. But it's beginning to wear on me, trying to pretend it's happenstance that I am always at the tasting station whenever a customer walks by wanting a sample. I try to pretend to my coworkers that I think demonstrating different foods is worse only to trying to keep a precariously stacked endcap of wasabi mustards from falling over and beaming some passerby in the head.

Their incredulous looks lead me to believe that my explanation is being met with suspicion.

I reap the consequences of my ruse as my supplemental income is diminished through the need to support my new habit. I justify my purchases by reminding myself that any self-respecting kitchen would undoubtedly have a couple of good balsamic vinegars and extra-virgin olive oils on hand. And as I languidly taste another drop of my newest find, my taste buds rejoice with the knowledge that I have recommenced my upward climb on the ladder of food snobbery.

Even if they can't appreciate the collateral knowledge the rest of me is gaining in regards to the world of retail, their need to be appeased has allowed me to at least leave you with the following (hard gained) words of wisdom:

1) If you must shop at a gourmet grocery in the next couple of days, save yourself from wading through the oppressive crowds by arriving at the store right when it opens.

2) Always assume that the store clerk walking past you at a brisk pace has a customer in tow who they are leading to the Cheese Straws, precluding you from asking even a "quick question".

3) Keep in mind that there's a fifty percent chance that the item you want really isn't stock. Then remember that there's also a fifty percent chance that it is hidden from view, buried somewhere behind a bunch of merchandise just brought over from the warehouse. Always leave your name and number - we'll call you when we find it.

4) Protect yourself and your gift recipients from the employee who lies about having tried something and how "great!" they think it is by asking your friendly sales associate if they wouldn't mind letting you taste the various savory products they have on hand.

5) And always remember, you can never go wrong with a good bottle of balsamic vinegar or extra-virgin olive oil as a Christmas present. As a matter of fact, for a short time only, we are carrying our signature balsamic/olive oil gift box for only thirty dollars!

Would you like to taste them?

Please?