My Friend Snubbed Ryan Seacrest, Too, and Nobody Noticed!

Forget red carpets and Golden Globe Awards and botoxed foreheads. Forget Brangelina! My friend, Michelle, dissed Ryan Seacrest last year, before it was the "in" thing to do, long before Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie decided to blatantly ignore the American Idol host as they glided along the red carpet en route to the Golden Globe Awards ceremony last Sunday.

Michelle was waiting in line to audition for American Idol with thousands of other sweaty teenagers and 27-year-old computer programmers, all of whom longed to highlight their hair and sing "Let's Make Love" to Paula Abdul, when Ryan Seacrest approached her, microphone in hand.

"I know a lot of girls and boys think Ryan Seacrest is cute," Michelle told me after that fateful day last July, "but he's really, like, a life-sized Ken doll who's, like, too short for my taste. And his mouth is ginormous and his nose is crooked. I mean, I have a crooked nose, too, but I'm not on TV, so I can totally get away with it. Nobody has to look at my nose except for my friends, family, and co-workers."

"What's your name?" Ryan Seacrest asked Michelle, practically poking her lip with his microphone.

"I pretended not to hear him," Michelle recalls, "and laughed really loud at some nerdy guy's Simon Cowell joke. 'What do you get when you add cinnamon to Simon's hair?' I forget the punchline now."

Ryan wouldn't give up. "Hey! Hi! How are you? Where are you from?" he tried again, waving the microphone so close to Michelle's nose, she could smell it.

"I don't know if the last guy Ryan interviewed had just eaten garlic bread or what, but FYI-the crew of American Idol doesn't disinfect the mic in between interviews, which seems really unsanitary to me," Michelle explains. "You know I'm all about Purelling my hands every fifteen minutes or so, and sucking on my zinc lozenges constantly. Germs are everywhere, even on celebrities like Ryan Seacrest. So I put up my hand to block my face from his stinky mic, and Ryan stupidly assumed I was trying to grab his mic so I could steal his thunder, you know? Long story short, he starts saying, 'Hey, you better let me hold the mic, okay, sweetie?' And I looked him dead in the eye and came very close to yelling, 'I don't wanna talk to you! Go away!' but I didn't wanna hurt his feelings, 'cause celebrities are people, too-they bleed if you cut them. So when I had Ryan's full attention, I shut my eyes and started humming 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic,' and when I opened my eyes again, he'd moved on down the line and was interviewing some blonde chick with a Southern accent. And-get this!-he was letting her hold his mic! What a jerk! I wasn't good enough to hold his mic, but she was?! Why? Just because she knew how to milk a cow? Her hands were probably covered in cow bacteria...You know, bovine-butt and grass microbes and molecules that cause mad cow disease."

I asked Michelle if she ever got a chance to apologize to Ryan Seacrest. "Why would I apologize?" Michelle laughed. "He needs to apologize to me for trying to infect me with God-only-knows how many microphone germs!"

How did Michelle's American Idol audition turn out? Not good. She's three years over the American Idol age limit and she forgot all the lyrics to the alphabet song. So Michelle never met Simon, Paula, and Randy.

"I don't think Ryan Seacrest is a bad person," Michelle remarked when she saw how Brangelina completely ignored Ryan on Sunday night. "But maybe he forgot to wipe off the microphone again. Or maybe Brad and Angelina are stuck-up jerks. Who cares? Their new movies are weird and way over my head. I'll watch the next season of American Idol, anyway."

That makes two of us, Michelle.

Sources:

http://www.usmagazine.com/news/ryan-seacrest-speaks-out-on-angelina-jolie-golden-globe-diss

Maria loves satire. Don't you?