My Gym is Full of Fat People!

Every New Year's Day, millions of Americans make a New Year resolution to lose all the weight that they've been packing on through the holidays. Many of those people, make the same resolution, year after year, and spend January, and some of February trying to achieve that goal at your expense.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see fat people working out. Sure it's not eye-pleasing, but if everyone is going to be on a national health care plan, financially, we need people to get healthy and quick. The problem is, now there's no room on the equipment for us regulars, because Joe and Jane Smith got Gym memberships for Christmas from their kids who aren't looking forward to wheeling their big butts around in a few years.

Here are a few tips for avoiding the "Resolutioneers" at your gym in January.

1. Go to the gym before work - Fat people hate working out, that's why they're fat. And after 2 days of going full speed in the gym, as they desperately try to work off that holiday weight, the last thing their bodies will want to do is get up at 5:30 am and go back to the gym. Most of these people will put it off till after work. If you don't already, squeeze your workout in before work while the stations are still clean, and the Resolutioneers are still tossing and turning in bed dreaming of leftover Christmas ham and Gingerbread men.

2. Use the swimming pool - We all have our usual routine at the gym, and for the most part we hit the weights and run on the treadmills and ellipticals, but now all of your favorite stations will be covered in Powerbar chocolate fingerprints, spilled Gatorade, and sweat. Time to change up your routine, and hit the pool. Swimming laps is evn more productive than the cardio machines, and none of those fatties are going to want to be seen in their bathing suits just yet. It will be smooth sailing in the pool as the Resolutioneers fight battles to the death over the sign-up lists, and the remote for the TVs they desperately need to stay interested in their workouts.

3. Avoid lunch workouts - Normally, hitting the gym during your lunch hour can be the best time to avoid crowds, but now that all of the self-conscious pigs are disgusted by their bodies to the point of buying a year pass to a place they despise, are willing to starve themselves during lunch in January to make it worth their while. On the plus side, the line at Chipotle will be faster than ever.

4. Join a more expensive gym - Every town has it's 24 Hour Fitnesses and YMCAs, and that's generally where resolutioneers will run to first this month. Low rates and holiday specials will draw them in droves. Try joining a more expensive gym like Gold's Gym or LA Sports Club (or whatever you have in your local area that most people can't afford). Resolutioneers are usually willing to spend up to $30 a month for their gym membership, but if it's over $100 a month, they generally won't fork it over. You know how much McDonald's they can get for $100 a month?!

5. Trick Them - This won't be hard. Most Resolutioneers have no idea what's going on at the gym. They're as unsure of the rules and situations as they are about their sexual life. If some fat chick is doing a 2 mile per hour saunter on the treadmill you fancy, walk up to her and ask her what her name is. When she tells you, tell her she has a phone call at the front desk. Now the treadmill is all yours. If that doesn't work, just convince some hot chick you know in the gym to do her stretches right next to that fat chick until she feels uncomfortable enough with herself to just leave altogether.

Remember, never anger a Resolutioneer. They want to be there even less than you want them to be there, and soon they'll return to their couches. If by accident you can't manage to avoid laughing hysterically at their form, or the ridiculous outfits they show up in, and you're faced with a confrontation, remember to always keep a candy bar in your pocket. Fat people love candy.

Happy New Year everyone!!!!!