My Husband, My Hero

He's always been an exceptional individual. He left home at the age of 16 -- well, more like he was forced to leave. But he found a way to support himself without dropping out of school. One would think he had a bright future ahead when he successfully overcame a difficult situation at such a young age. Uncle Sam and the Army had other plans for him though for his number was up shortly after he graduated high school. He manned up and faced the destiny that was chosen for him. He did 3 tours in Vietnam and rose to the rank of Captain as a Ranger, 101^st Airborne. I believe their nickname was "The Falling Chickens" -- or maybe that was their inside joke. Still it's funny to hear him talk about it in those terms, a stark juxtaposition as there was little else funny about anything connected to that part of his life. After a few up close and personal encounters with a landmine and some bullets he earned a coupla purple hearts along the way and finished his military career as a training officer in Fort Benning. He married had two children and worked his literal behind off to become ever-more successful as he was driven to provide for his family to the best of his ability. After his first marriage failed while he was out earning a living he subsequently lost his oldest children to alienation. He pressed on, continued to work and make a decent wage, traveling the world, living a fascinating life rich with experiences of many different kinds, fatherhood eluding him regardless of how hard he pursued it until his 40's when fate brought about a second chance.

He was fortunate enough to marry again and was blessed with two more children. Again, as much as he tried to be a father to his children it seemed that the cards were stacked against him and all of the money in the world would not allow him to father his son and daughter when that marriage also fell apart. And again he was forced to try to start life over his children kept from him leaving him struggling to find a purpose to keep living and working, to keep trusting, and to keep fighting.

Fast-forward a decade or so -- and then he met e-met me. He was at a crossroads in his life '" second set of kids lost, money taken, possessions liquidated, personal and professional reputation nearly destroyed due to false charges from a woman that he trusted to be his partner in an arrangement. Overnight he went from affluent to homeless. But he thought he could recover financially before I found out about his personal struggles. Based on the 30 years of his life experience there was no reason that he should not have been able to achieve this task.

I have to hand it to the old boy, he certainly put on a good show. Regardless of how severely he had just gotten screwed he trusted me right out of the starting gate and willingly took on all of the difficulties associated with a divorced mom in my position. As a matter of fact he had me so convinced that HE could make it "all right in the world" that I accepted his proposal of marriage even though this once great man of means had little more to offer me than his word and his cajones. If he was a man in his early 20's this would not have been such a leap of faith for a woman like me, where I also wearing much younger skin. But there was something about him; the way he spoke with such confidence about his abilities even though he was waaaaaaaaaaay down low on the totem pole of life, the way he believed and trusted in me regardless of how unbelievable and screwed-up my circumstances were. I knew he was very physically attracted to my outside and mentally attracted to my inside, there was no disguising this. But I never really understood what drove him to want me for his wife with such seemingly reckless abandon that he proposed marriage to me somewhere between our first and second date and then married me on our third.

Now that we are well past three years of marriage and utter insanity due to our respective legal and custodial issues I still struggle to understand why he's stayed with me. He could have very easily walked away (and I wouldn't have faulted him for it) and gone on to find economic success (and in my previous estimation happiness as well) with much greater ease. We've squandered an inconceivable fortune on legal fees for what amounted to nothing. We've had very little pleasure as husband and wife as I have suffered through severe depression due to the loss of my children. Through a combination of economic downturn and poor business decisions trusting people that should not have been trusted and timing issues we've struggled to recreate his previous financial success. Though I've told him many times that he SHOULD leave me because my problems were not of his making he would staunchly refuse telling me every single time that marrying me was the best decision he's ever made in his life. I thought that he was just plain stubborn and too honorable to go back on his word. But recently it's become clear to me why he believed his decision to take me for his wife was so sound even though most would say that he was nothing more than a stubborn gambling man and I was little more than a mother desperate to do anything that she thought would bring her children home.

Not only have I been able to rise up from debilitating depression and managed to hold onto some of my children by not giving up reaching out (as his adult children's example showed me was NOT the proper course) but he has taught me a skill set that has given me the ability to take care of myself and any number of my children financially with or without him in a way that I would not have been able to do so before his mentorship. His patience, constant positive reinforcement and support in all of my endeavors have helped me to reach out to others trying to pay what he gave me forward. I am nearly 20 years his junior so it would stand to reason that we should expect me to outlive him. His example and dedication to me has caused me to become a better mother, role model, citizen and human being. Though we've not realized the dream of having any of my girls home with us, the time is drawing ever more near.

And now the final piece of the puzzle; the cherry atop the icing that covers a cake that's full of the awesomest yumminess in the history of everness - after 5+ years of separation his younger children (now nearly 15 and 17) have reached out to us. His first reaction was to do nothing because he knew how much his children were made to suffer for his desire to be their father. He didn't want to cause them anymore pain. Add to this the fact that despite his best efforts we were unable to reconcile a relationship with his adult children he figured it was a fruitless endeavor anyway. His daughter and son were very angry as they were misled about who their father REALLY is. Because I had far more experience with this phenomenon then I care to admit I was able to guide him properly back towards his youngest children.

The road ahead will not be easy because ALL of our kids (there is no his or mine but only OURS) have suffered greatly as they have been without our positive influence in their lives. But we have hope, determination, and time. Nothing and no one will take that away from us --

Now I finally know exactly why he wanted me so badly. From very early on in our relationship somehow deep down he was convinced that if I was his wife he would somehow regain the privilege to father. I can't think of a stronger compliment and more stringently wonderful standard to live up to.

In closing I'd like to offer those of you who are going through a hard time regardless of the situation a bit of wisdom that helped me put my personal struggles and fears into better perspective giving me the courage to go on. Over the course of the last four years or so my husband would often ask me, "So what are you so worried about now?" -- and believe you me when I tell you that life has brought us MANY stressful situations rife with anxiety and genuine fear. I would speak my peace and he would always reply, "The way I'm lookin' at it, as long as nobody is shooting at me there isn't much for me to fear. Is there? I mean, what are *they* going to do to me -- take away my birthday?!"

I'm thinking that as long as nobody takes away his birthday we will be fine one way or another.

Previously published on dad-blogs.com