My Incomplete Thoughts on Dating: Being Aggressive And/or Passive

"Do you use a dating website?" my friend asked me, recently.

Are you kidding me? I have enough people misjudge my book by my cover as it is. Also, historically, I've been against the concept of paying someone to find me a date. It's the principal of it. On the other hand, one could argue that you pay a relatively small amount for the potential to find your true love or soul mate or ball and chain for the married people in the crowd. But, the other negative side to the online dating is my stance that it just won't work.

See, stereotypically speaking, men and women are different. The dating norms that I see as most prevalent, both historically and today, is that the man is the aggressor and the woman wants the man to ask her out. This aggressor/passive relationship fulfills the woman's need to feel needed. Since the man asks out the woman, the woman feels desired and it turns her on. Makes perfectly logical sense for women to want men to ask them out, right?

No. It does not, actually. And, I realize I just confused about 90% of the people reading this, but bear with me. First, let's assume it IS perfectly logical for a woman to want a man to ask her out. It fulfills her need to feel desired. Well, guess what, certain men, maybe not all or even most, but some men also possess a need to feel desired. I know it sounds crazy, that on a one-off basis, a man can be similar to a woman, and vice versa. But, it's true. Some women are more like men and some men are more like women. I know this from personal experience.

Take my high school junior prom for example. I did not ask a woman out. I didn't need to. Before I even thought about thinking about the prom, two girls asked me to the junior prom. They were flipping the stereotype by being the aggressors. As such, I ended up fulfilling the passive role. It felt nice to be asked out, which I'd already known and would continue to experience. So, I know why women want to be asked out. Yeah, it's great. But, I want that too.

Now, if I want a woman to ask me out, then I'm playing the passive role. That means the woman must play the aggressive role. Women don't want to do that because they don't want to be judged as a slut or whore. Of course, if that's the case, when a man asks them out, why don't they judge the man as a slut or whore? Have they really bought into the double standard that the media sold them over the past half a century or however long the media's been at it. (I realize I'm being very friendly with my half a century estimate.)

I hear the term "feminism" being bandied about. And, I'm all for it. But, I don't think most people truly understand what I think it entails. Women want to be equals. I think that is their right. However, it's not happening across the board. And, it's confusing. Chivalry dies because of these confusions. Women want to be powerful executives that don't need. Yet, in their relationships, they continue to need to be asked out, so they can feel needed. Granted, I'll admit this trend is slowly changing, in my opinion, but I think the trend is very slow, like molasses. I also understand change takes time. I know this exceptionally well.

I want to be asked out, because I desire that same feeling that women desire. However, once I ponder the scenario, if I'm being asked out by a woman, then she's being the aggressor. As such, she most likely does not possess that typical womanly trait of desiring to feel needed. So, then I must ask myself, what is wrong with this woman who does not desire to feel needed. How can I be in a relationship with such a person? My sensitivity will go to waste. So, I realize that I, as a person who wants to feel needed actually want to be with another person who also wants to feel needed. However, this creates an issue because in the introductory dating arena we would both play the more passive role. If that's the case, how would we ever meet?

What I'm arguing, if you haven't already cleverly guessed, is that most women are like me. They desire to feel needed, but they also want their partner to portray the same characteristic. The problem is, when a woman always waits for a man to ask her out, she's essentially eliminating this desirable characteristic from her swath of suitors. A woman's passivity in dating is reducing her chances of meeting a partner who will appreciate her sensitivity. That's all I'm saying. So, back to the initial question, "Makes perfectly logical sense for women to want men to ask them out, right?" No. By doing so, a woman is actually self-selecting positive traits out of her pool of daters.

Of course, that also means I'm self selecting positive traits out of my pool of daters. However, my desire to feel needed trumps that. So, I suppose every woman could use that same argument. So, I guess we're back at square one. Sorry about that.

LIVIN is not a clinically trained dating technician. All dating and/or relationship knowledge acquired has been achieved merely by LIVIN.