My Interview with George Washington

This year I planned something extra special--an interview with George Washington! Yes, I know he is supposed to be dead, and I cannot tell a lie: he is in fact dead. But that just means he has more free time on his hands, so he has consented to the interview. The following is a transcript of that interview:

ME:

Mr. Washington, can I call you George?

GW:

Sure, you can call me anything you like. I believe in free speech, and besides, I'm dead, so there is not much I can do to stop you. Hahaha!

ME:

OK then! George, can you briefly explain the cause of our nation's independence?

GW:

Of course. It all came about when the Exchequer of Great Briton decided to levy a tax on tea! A three-percent sales tax! Why no American in his right mind would pay a three-percent tax of any sort! As a result, there was a Declaration of Independence and what followed was a Revolutionary WAR!

ME:

That's interesting, George, but did you know that Americans now pay more than a 3% tax?

GW:

WTF?! You're joking, of course!

ME:

No, I cannot tell a lie (well, actually I can and I'd be lying if I said I couldn't); it's no joke. My state sales tax, for example, is around eight percent.

GW:

Holy shi...er...shucks! You mean to tell me you pay an 8% tax on tea?!!!

ME:

Not just tea, but practically every item sold.

GW:

WTF?!!!! Your ancestors and I fought a bloody war so you could be free of such oppressive taxation!

ME:

LOL! George, the 8% sales tax is not all we pay. There is the federal income tax, the social security tax, the state income tax, excise taxes, taxes on energy and utilities, property taxes...

GW:

Enough already! What you are telling me is outrageous! Why...all those taxes could collectively reduce a citizen's income by as much as 10%!

ME:

The figure is more like 50%. If you factor in inflation, that's another 2% to 15%, depending on the CPI index.

GW:

OH MY GAWD!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!!!

ME:

I am not sure, but I would venture to guess that Americans have lost their way and now place too much faith in government.

GW:

That is incredible! Unbelievable! Hold on. I've got to wake up Thomas and Ben. Thomas! Ben! Wake up! You ain't gonna believe the story I just heard!

Thomas Jefferson (TJ):

Hey, George! What's the idea? I was getting my eternal beauty rest, so this better be important!

Ben Franklin (BF):

Here! Here! I second that!

GW:

Eternal beauty rest? Oh common, you two! You've been dead so long you look like molded bat dung in your own likenesses! Besides, you know I wouldn't lie to you. This gentleman here says that Americans now pay more than 3% in taxes!

TJ:

Oh get out of town! Americans would never be so foolish!

BF:

I second that! Let's go back to our coffins and get some shut-eye.

GW:

My friends don't believe your story. Are you sure you are telling the truth?

ME:

I wish I was just pulling your leg, George, but sadly it's true. We Americans are being taxed to death! All your hard work and sacrifices are going down the drain. Your men died for us on the battlefield so that we could be free, and yet we are throwing that freedom away a little at a time everyday. Get this: the house recently passed a bill that allows the government to tax and regulate carbon dioxide.

GW:

Are you saying you will be taxed every time you exhale?!

ME:

We are not quite that bad off, but give us more time. Say, George, what are your plans for Independence Day?

GW:

Well, I was going to watch the fireworks, but after hearing your story, I think I'll just roll over in my grave...